Before It's Too Late | Yoonmin

Chapter 6

Laying on the bed of this shitty motel, I can feel my lips quivering as I stare up at the dingy ceiling. Taking a deep breath, I lift my arm up, checking my watch for the time, only to see that I've got just a minute left before the album is released.

I can feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, but I ignore the feeling as I sit up and pull my phone out of my pocket. Biting my trembling lip, I run a hand over my face before unlocking my phone, deciding to go through some of the pictures I still have saved from when things were still good. From when I actually enjoyed life and wanted to live, when the boys and I all used to have so much fun together.

There's pictures of me with the other boys. With the maknae line. With Jimin... There's a decent amount of pictures on here of Jimin if I'm being entirely honest. He never really knew or never really minded it. Hell, he would piss half the time. Although, that was also back before things were different. Back when I was still falling for him, though it's long since that I've completely fallen and continuously struggled to accept my fate. Accept the reality that I would never be able to call him mine.

He's never had an interest in me. I'm not entirely sure that he doesn't have an interest for our youngest two members, but certainly never for me. Though, then again, I've never really known if he's ever even had an interest in guys before. I know he's had a couple of girlfriends before, but never a boyfriend. Not that I've ever admitted to being gay, but it certainly made it easier to focus on my music back in high school. Made it easier to focus on school and work and music. Hell, not even my family knows that I'm into guys, no one in the band even knowing that fact either. Nobody having any sort of idea that I could've ever possibly fallen completely in love with Jimin.

As my phone buzzes, I snap out of my thoughts, not having even really realized I'd stopped on a picture of us together. It had been one that the fans photoshopped, when we were on stage one evening. We'd been joking around together, somewhat close in proximity to each other, but the fans photoshopped us much closer. Jimin has his bright eye smiling grin plastered on his face, and I'd actually been wearing my own gummy grin.

Shaking my head to myself, I look over to the notification on my screen, seeing that it's now one minute passed midnight, the album now released.

Biting my lip harder than before, I let out a shaky breath as I let the device fall from my hands and onto the floor at my feet. Unfortunately for me, the screen is facing up, allowing the picture of what will never be to continue facing up towards the ceiling. Running a hand through my hair, I crawl back onto the bed, pulling the lighter out of my front pocket.

I can't help but simply sit here and stare down at it in my hands for a moment, not really believing that I'm actually going to do this. That I'm actually going to end it all now. That all of my suffering is soon going to be over, even if it means going through a little pain first.

Swallowing hard, I toss the lighter onto the bed before getting back up and walking over to the small dresser that's pushed up against the opposing wall with a mirror hung above it. Grabbing the bottle of pills and the bottle of soju, I take a deep breath as I crack both open.

If the fire and smoke isn't going to finish the job, taking enough pills should at least. I know I've not been drinking enough lately for the alcohol to do a whole lot more than help knock my ass out, but that's not what I need it for. No, I bought two bottles of soju so that I'd be able to down one with the pills and use the other to help ignite the fire.

So, I pour out a handful of pills, tossing them in my mouth before grabbing the open bottle of soju and swallowing all of it. I repeat the process until I've emptied both bottles, already feeling a tad dizzy from how much alcohol I've just consumed. Though, I don't give up there, breaking open the second bottle of soju and stumbling my way over to the bed.

Standing atop the mattress, I pour most of the soju over the bed, getting some on the floor and a little accidentally onto the wall beside me. I just shrug it off though, plopping down to sit on the now fairly wet bed as I pick the lighter up off of the bed.

With the tiniest of smiles, I ignite the lighter, not having to bring it too close to the bedsheets in order to get it burning bright.