Before It's Too Late | Yoonmin

Chapter 14

Just like usual, the days bleed into one another and before I realize it, I find myself back in his studio. I've got the vlive already set up to start as soon as I hit the button, but I can't seem to find it in myself to actually get started. I have no idea how long I've been sat here just staring at it, the feeling of it nearly taunting me, just showing how weak and unprepared I am. Although, how can anyone be prepared for something like this? The only world I care about is still laying unconscious in a hospital bed, the only person that I want right now to help me get through this, and he's on the verge of being gone. I'm not really sure how anyone gets through that.

Taking a deep breath, I shake my head at myself. I know Jungkook is expecting that I do a vlive today after I told him I'd think it over. I know the fans are probably worried about everything that's going on right now. I know the others want to see some sort of 'improvement' from me. It's just difficult. It's hard when nothing really matters other than the one person who's seemingly just waiting to take his last breath.

The last thought breaks me, tears spilling down my cheeks as I reach out and press the start button on the vlive. It's not even a matter of seconds before there's tons of viewers, but I try not to think about it as I lean back in the chair with my head dipped downwards. I know I'm never really gonna be ready to be talking about this, but it's going to have to happen eventually and putting it off isn't going to change that.

So, I sit here silently with tears streaming down my cheeks as I watch the number of views continue to increase by the tons, waiting for an appropriate amount of army's to be watching. The tears don't stop though, my usual fear of looking good and coming off as the strong person I've always been to them not even surfacing today. No, instead, for the first time ever, I don't care about them seeing me cry. I don't care about how they view me. Just like from the very beginning, my one and only, my sole focus, it's only on the hyung that isn't here anymore.

"Hi, Army. Umm... So, the others told me I should get on and talk to you all. That you were all worried and that it'd make me feel better. I... I don't really believe that, but... I know I'll have to talk sooner or later." I speak to the camera in front of me, my gaze falling to the table in front of me, the emptiness of that space between myself and the phone camera. The emptiness that doesn't even begin to represent the emptiness that I feel.

"I... I don't even know what to say. It's a nightmare without him... It's so sad." I smile to myself at the last bit, the tears falling faster, a stark contrast to the heat of my cheeks.

"It's always been sad. That's not the point though... No, the point is that he always dreamed of this career. It was always everything he ever wanted... To be able to stand in front of thousands who would cheer for him over his amazing ability to rap and to be able to play the piano in front of everyone. Fuck..." I choke back a sob, tangling a hand into my hair as I glare up at the ceiling.

"Hell, all he ever wanted was for his work to get recognized. For someone to acknowledge just how hard he always busted his ass for this career, for someone to see and appreciate his talent and hard work. And..." I chuckle humorlessly as I I roughly wipe at the tears on one of my cheeks, despite the fact that it changes nothing other than smear the tears.

"We failed him. We let him down. I failed and let him down." I whimper quietly, collapsing in on myself momentarily as I bring my knees up to my chest and bury my face, beginning to complete sob. My heart continues shattering continuously, wishing I knew what to do to fix this. To fix him and fix what happened. To just bring him back. Fuck, I'd do anything to bring him back if I could.

"In other news, I might have something for you all soon. Seems I've got the worst inspirations anyone could have right now, but I've been writing. It could actually probably be released in a couple weeks, depending on how long it takes me to get through creating the rest of the music." I mumble quietly, now just wanting to be left alone to continue attempting to grieve.

"I'm gonna go, army. I wouldn't expect to hear anything else from me anytime soon. Thanks for listening."