Monologues for Women

Unbearable Hotness

Unbearable Hotness
by Gabriel Davis

BEATRICE- First off, he calls it "rumping" -we're -after we're through -he's always so sweet after- But last night he grabs a love handle and says "that's super meaty." Now, what the hell is that supposed to mean?! I mean that's a hint, right? So like I didn't know how to take that kind of -l mean who says that, "super meaty" -I'm a woman, not some Dinty Moore Beef Stew. I fall asleep, don't say anything to him about it, just smile and pass out -what a wuss, right? So I have this messed up dream -I'm in a fashion show, right -Brandon is a talent scout, but he's not my boyfriend in the dream. And he looks at me and says "Oh yeah girl you've got real potential." All these guys in white coats strap me to a chair and suck like thirty pounds of fat out of me through some tubes, and these little umpa lumpas are spreading it on bread, and Santa Claus is there taking it to little chil- anyway Brandon is like sculpting me, Giving all these orders, right, like "lose the upper body, enlarge the breasts, tighten up and round out the ass, fill out the legs, lose the face." So there I am. I get out of the chair and look at myself in the mirror. I'm just a pair of legs, an ass, and two humungous breasts. Brandon looks at me and says "perfect, she looks super meaty" and I'm really confused, I mean genuinely confused, I mean crap, where's my head, and I start screaming "where's my head" "what did you do with my head"'HAS ANYONE SEEN MY GODDAMNED HEAD!" And I wake up screaming "Head!" so loud that Brandon thinks I'm asking him a question and he says "Sure, I'm always down for some late night head." I mean, what is that, right? And later when I ask him if he thinks, you know, if I'm beautiful, he says; "why don't you dye your hair like that chick Kate Upton, I bet you'd look real sexy." So maybe you can understand why I think men are pigs. Cause I mean who says that shit!