Born to die

How Many Ways to Kill?

Gun shots were loud and tortured Tatyana's mind. She hated the loudness and the way guns moved when the bullet came out and the death that followed gun shots. Dead people looked grotesque but each one was unique. Some had faces of horror etched onto their faces from before they were shot that stayed. People like that always made Tatyana die inside a little. These people valued their lives and had them taken away from them. And others looked at peace. Like they had accepted their death and realised it was inevitable. Those were the easier to kill. To know that they didn't feel shock before the bullet pierced their skull. But somehow the most horrifying were those who had smiles placed on their lips. Unlike those who accepted the inevitability of their life ending, they were hard to kill. To know people actually wanted to die and felt as though someone killing them was gift was almost too much to handle. Almost.
After a few days, Tatyana would forget about the death and destruction she caused only to be reminded late at night in her sleep. She would wake up and feel like screaming but since Kyoko spent most nights with her, she kept her mouth shut and dealt with it alone.
Somehow, murdering someone with her bare hands was worse. For days, Tatyana couldn't look at her hands without feeling like crying. Those hands had punched someone so many times they'd passed out and continued until that person died of brain injury. Those hands had broke limb after limb until the person chose to kill themselves to avoid the pain. Those hands had choked someone and blocked out their air supply until their life slipped from them. Life slipped through Tatyana's fingers like she was the grim reaper.
It was obvious the Russian teenager had a distaste for stabbing. For when blood poured out onto her hands she felt wrong and infected. Like she was a disease. And trying to actually off a person with a knife was pretty hard and tedious. It took longer than the other methods, especially if they moved and Tatyana ended up stabbing them in the leg, arm or stomach. Then she'd have to twist the knife in deeper or pull it out and stab them somewhere different,
And that was just the start.
At Khela she had been taught how to kill in almost every way possible.
Last month, she had to poison someone without them, another student or leader finding out. Watching as the person drank their beverage and knowing full well they would die soon when they had been told they were going back home. Watching a person full of joy and hope lose it all as the poison kicks in and they began to choke or foam at the lips. It's horrifying.
A few weeks ago she had been made to fight an enemy spy. He was arrogant and believed that he would easily best the smaller girl. Typical of a man to underestimate her because of her size and gender. They had ended up on the floor with both on their back and Tatyana managing to kill him by putting to much pressure on his skull with her thighs.
Tatyana couldn't bare to look at her thighs again until a week later when Kyoko kissed them softly late at night.
Breaking necks was another one. Fighting people stronger than her was already harder than fighter other people but then factor in the need to snap their neck afterwards. Causing death so suddenly without a weapon was pretty traumatic. Hearing the snap and knowing you had a dead person in your arms. Watching the way their neck lolled to the side once they were dead. Seeing their eyes roll back into their head.
Ezra often compared killing to drugs. An addiction that once you had one taste you couldn't get enough. Illegal but it feels so right.
Tatyana couldn't agree. Guilt consumed her and death terrorised her sleep. Couldn't look in a mirror and not hate what she saw. She had killed people. She had tortured people. Who was she to decide who lives or dies? She wasn't a God, she wasn't death himself. Why should she choose when someone's life ends?
Kyoko seemed so unaffected by the destruction. So apathetic and lacked any sympathy. Tatyana wished she could be like her girlfriend. Able to kill and not hate herself for it.
But for some reason, while Tatyana believed the taller girl had no faults, the smaller girl thought herself a monster. And what right did a monster have to not endure any suffering? No one would punish her for those she killed. They praised her instead.
So if no one else would punish her, then she would.
It started small. Skipping meals, not letting herself speak for a few hours. But then it grew. Soon she fell back into her old routine of cutting. First she reopened one of her old scars each day. Then she made one new one each day. And then it was two new ones a day. Then three a day. Then four. She only stopped with the new ones when she had the amount of scars matched the amount of people she had killed. And then she continued to reopen each scar and add more after testing days. Her arms were once again canvases of which a blade was the paintbrush and her blood the paint.
No one will notice, she thought to herself. I wear long sleeves anyways.
And for a while, no one did notice. But then there was Kyoko. She noticed when she took off Tatyana's shirt. Tatyana silently begged Kyoko to ignore them, to carry on and not address them. So Kyoko left it and continued what she was doing, but Tatyana would be a liar to say she didn't see Kyoko's eyes become sad and pitiful for a second. And Tatyana did not want someone feeling sorry for her.
She didn't like the pity, didn't like the sympathetic looks she got. She didn't like the way Natalya looked at her when she saw the 'drawings' on her arms or how Ezra stared sadly when she got injured. For such kind looks, they felt harsh and judging and trapping. They made her anxiety bad and made her want to curl up in a ball and hide herself forever.
Kyoko never spoke of the scars but she kissed them and traced her fingers over them lightly. She didn't try to make Tatyana stop and maybe that's why Tatyana did. Because when Natalya saw them, she demanded Tatyana to stop and that made her feel worse. But Kyoko just accepted as another part of her girlfriend and that's why she stopped.
Because she didn't want Kyoko's pity. And if Kyoko loves her, how much of a monster could she really be?