100 Days gone

Days 1-2

Day 1-2

Im sorry I havent written to you luke. Yes this is for you. I feel like you might see it. I know you will. I miss you already. So so much. I miss waking up beside you and seeing your vibrant blue eyes staring into mine. I miss holding your hand even if it was way bigger than my own. I miss cuddling on the couch with you. Laying om your chest as you rub my back. I miss you luke, and I guess it takes you leaving me forever for me to realize how much you meant to me. How much I really did love you. All those friendly 'i love you's.... all the hand holding.. every single little kiss on the top of my head gone forever.... in the blink of an eye... I wish I would of made you mine.... I wish I would have realized sooner how much you meant to me. How much I loved you. Not the friendly love that i thought we had, but actuall love. I love you more than there are stars in the sky, and to know that your gone now.. well... where does it leave me? Michael, calum, and ashton have been here in our shared flat these few days since I found you. The moment after I called 911 I called them. They were here only moments after the ambulance arrived. I was on the couch crying as they carried you out. They came running in only to see the same horror that I was watching. They watched as the paramedics took you lifeless body away. Michael turned towards me with tears in his eyes. He ran to me and engulfed me in a hug. Telling me it was all ok. That you were ok, but you werent luke! You were gone. Ashton and calum came next comforting me. Michael holding me in his lap as we all just sat sniffling and sobbing quietly on the couch. Thats when we got up. Going to drive to the hospital, but.... I couldnt bring myself to get up. I just wanted to lay there forevet until I reached the end of my own time. Ashton picked me up like a baby, me wrapping my legs around his torso and my arms around his neck, burying my face into his neck and that how he carried me to the car holding onto my back so I wouldnt fall and thats how calum carried me into the hospital to see you, all the way to your room, and sat me down beside your bed. I wanted you to open your eyes luke. I wanted to see the bright amd vibrant blue color that ive only seen in your eyes. I wanted to look at them one more time. But I knew that wasnt going to happen. You were gone. Thats when they came in. The nurses I mean. They came in and layed a sheet over you. I watched with tears in my eyes as they slowly lifted you up onto a stretcher. I didnt want them to take you from me, but you had to. It was for the best. You were gone. Ashton had to carry me again. Out to the car and back into our flat. Thats when Michael gave me this journal. He told me that when he lost one of his friends back before he knew you guys that his mom gave him one of these and that it helped ease the pain. He told me that I disnt have to use it. Only if I wanted. But I had already known I was going to use it. And what I was using it for. I was going to use it to write to you. As I am right now. We all jusy saton the couch the rest of the night holding each other as we cried. We all miss you luke. I think its the hardest on Michael actually. He thinks its his fault. That hed done something or said something to you to criss the line and make you do what you did. But I know its not true. You knew michael loved you. You two started out absolutly hating each other to being in a world renound band. Thats how I know that wasnt the reason you did what you did. Why did you do it luke? I still dont know. Im so confused and broken right now. I remember when you used to help me with things like this. Like when Daniel and I broke up. You held me while I cried and brought me chocolate and sat through countless chick flicks with me while I was 'heart broken'. And I can tell you now. This feeling im feeling. Is the worst thing that ive ever felt. I feel like.... no I know... that when you left.... you took a piece of me with you. A bg piece. I feel empty and alone even with michael fast asleep beside me and ashton and calum in the living room. I can feel the pain. Its luke thousands of knvies being stabbed into my chest over and over. Me and the lads feel asleep on the couch that night. And when I woke up this morning I was in my bed with michael beside me in the room that we basically shared. Well. Used to share. Your clothes are still on the floor luke. Convers still neatly tucked beside the bed. Boxers on the tv where you threw them trying to find your phone. Your phone. It went off not to long ago. It was your mum luke. Liz called and asked where you were. I started to bawl. I couldnt help it. Id dropoed the phine and basically started to screech your name. Calling out for you as if you were going to come running to my aid. Thats when a frantic michael and calum busted through our bedroom door. Calum taking the phone to exsplain to an also frantic liz the events that occured just yesterday. I cried myself to sleep in michaels arms then. I cant believe your actually gone. Its like your song. Amnesia. Luke I never really understood that feelings until now. I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and you be right there. To tell me that its all just a bad dream. But... your gone luke..... forever.