100 Days gone

Funeral Day

Day 7

Today was your funeral. We were all there. Michael, Ashton, Calum, your brothers, Your mum, your dad was there. Even Harry, Louis, Zayn, Liam, and Niall flew down to be there. All of us sat on one row. All in the front. People who I didnt know were there also. Your other family i thought. Our boys parents came also. The boys and I sat in the front row with your mum and dad and brothers beside us. No one had anything to say. As they threw the first shovelful of dirt onto your casket I jumped up. I ran towards the hole where your casket lay. Six feet deep. I was about to jump into that very hole until Ashton caught my arm. I was screaming by now. Everyone looking at me. He pulled me close and told me everything was alright. I sobbed loudly into his chest. Your mum was crying too. When Ashton let me go she pulled me into a hug. She held me for a long time. She told me how much you really loved me and that if I needed anything she was just a phone call away. That she would be there for me. I thanked her and took one last look at your grave before walking with the boys to michaels car and getting in. It was silent the whole way back to the flat. They dropped me off with goodbyes and I love yous. I watched silently as the drove off. I walked up stairs to our flat and took off the clothes id worn to your funeral. I walked over to my bedside table and grabbed the neatly folded note. I read it over and over again. I know every word now. I can recite it in my mind. I still haven't told the boys. I feel selfish. I dont want them to know yet. They'll be mad. I know they will. They are the only ones I have left. I cant have them mad with me. If they leave. Then ill be nothing but a train wreck. I need them. I needed you. But... your gone now.