*Authors note: if there's ever a entry talking about someone I will use a nickname instead of actual name also know this is a huge step for me publishing my journal entries so enjoy and give feedback*
I feel so invisible and empty. I am starting to worry about my weight. Last time I went to physiologist and checked it I was 106 Ibs, 14 below average. What if I develop an eating disorder or what if something happens. On the bright side I haven't had a panic attack since early/mid November...maybe the medication is working... though on the down fall I feel more depressed,drowsy, and loopy during the day and anxious and energized in the night. I don't know why I wanna cry. I don't even have the urge to I just don't wanna be okay. I wanna have a day of being alone without feeling lonley because lonley and alone are 2 different things. Alone is when u just wanna be anti social your pretty much okay. Lonley feels as if no one cares and if u died they'd forget u in less than an hour like normal. Lonely is what u feel when you put yourself in a position of isolation, subconsciously, hoping someone, ANYONE, will come and ask if your okay and when they do you wanna say no but can't because of the mask. I want a day to finally let out what monsters I kept behind my mask of poison. But that'll never happen wanna know why? Becasue I feel as if I'm over reacting and annoying everyone AND ANYONE. I used to go out side and sing when I wanted to sing but couldn't becasue I was loud. But now it's a way for me to cryour in song pleading that someone will see me. I have lost my mind in the sense of who I am or used to be. Don't tell me it'll be okay because that's temporary joy I wanna solution for good. I wanna be happy again I wanna stop being like this so bad but I don't know how to stop long term I can only stop temporarily. To those who say your making yourself feel this for attention. Really? You TRULY think I wanna stay up 2 days in a row without sleeping or eating at all during that time or do you really think I wanna take medication for ADHD anxiety panic attacks AND depression (8 pills a day) and lastly do you really think I want myself to feel to much when it comes to the littlest problem. I don't wanna feel this way so why do you think I would? I wish you knew the pain but dear god I pray you never have too feel it because it makes u feel so empty and so numb that u feel like ur over reacting.i hope you never feel it becashe it consumes u entirely to the point of having false hope as u watch ur world crumble into pieces and all u can do is blankly state as the numbing feeling kicks In. Anyways I gotta go, bus is here
