Where There Is Guns There Is Me

Where I Messed Up

"These violent delights have violent ends"

I loved the sound of that saying on my tongue.
It was practically my life's motto.

I always knew what I was doing was bad and I knew the outcome was even worse.

I longed to be invisible but I  craved approval of the cruel, the baddest but never the most wanted.
They always seemed to marvel in anyone's  attention and everyone always knew what they were doing and when they were doing it.

I didnt like that.

My name meant fairy princess and fairy queen to other countries.

Unlike my name I was nothing like a fairy, I had the appearance of one and pretended to be innocent like one in public but behind closed doors I was a force to be wreaken with.

I had fantasies no child my age was supposed to have and I had fears like every child does but my fears were treated differently  than others.

Ever heard the saying what you fear the best is what you desire the most.

I was afraid of being alone in darkness but I couldn't help always finding myself in that situation because I loved the wild feeling of my heartbeat.

I was afraid of creating a situation where joseph would have to choose between me and his friends because of something I did.
It wasn't a fear of the fact that he would choose them but the fear that he wouldn't.

Joseph's  way of protecting his family's name almost always involved a bullet.

He knew those boys for as long as he could remember and trusted some of them with his life, he was closer to them than I was to him but when it came down to family they became strangers.

But as I explained what I feared the best is what i desired the most.

You see Dylan had a younger brother who was three years younger than him called alphie.

Alphie found me online a while after the disaster and we started talking but ofcourse when we started talking I had no idea that he was Dylan's brother or else I would have never answered. Alphie complimented me day in and day out and even told me that he liked me but I rejected him claiming that I could never end up with him because he was one of Joseph's friends.

What a load of bullshit.

I knew Joseph would never get in between me and my choices.

He knew I wasnt foolish.

A few weeks later I found out alphie had a girlfriend.
As I said I wasnt foolish, I knew alphie's kind.
Boys like that only ever wanted one thing from girls my age.

We started to talk less and less until we completly stopped and I didnt care because alphie was not what I wanted.

Everything was going well up until the festival season started coming closer and alphie started talking to me again. He started again with the flirting and I brought up his girlfriend.

Alphie claimed that they were done.

That was where i messed up.
Entertaining bullshit