Waiting For Superman

Twenty-two

I see it in your eyes, you'll be alright.

The weekend was pretty much anything that you could imagine happening, once the argument I decided to wish them all a lovely weekend and just get the train home.

Before I knew it, it was Monday and my last day at placement.

“Miss Collins will be back to see us all soon” the principal announced in assembly.

All the students and teachers turned to me as I held onto a few kids that I worked very closely with.

I managed to form a sad smile as I looked at all the beautiful faces full of potential to do extremely well and I think I was just upset that I didn’t get to be apart of what they achieve here.

“Whether it is in plan or not for the future, we will all welcome her and her hard work back here” she winked at me before starting a new speech for the children.

Lora nudged me slightly and I smiled as I looked down to the hands of the children that I was holding.

“Did you get what you came here for?” She whispered.

I nodded and leaned closer to her to whisper back. “I got so much more”

That day was very dramatic, as I was leaving the school doors the first thing I wanted to do was speak to Oliver. I had not heard from him all weekend, pretty much since our argument, since I left the trip away. I realised that I am leaving this country soon and the only thing I want to do is make a mends with him.

Instead of knocking because I knew he wouldn’t answer his door, I let myself in through the back. I walked past the garden that still had the lights and pictures in the tree, as if it’s something he wanted to continue at some point and make sure it goes right this time. The wine and food was still there as well.

“Why are you here?” he said with his back to me, facing his kitchen sink.

He must have heard my footsteps; all I did was take one breath before he spoke to me.

I placed my bag softly on the counter next to me and crossed my arms lightly.

“Oliver, I am leaving very soon-”

Before I could continue he interrupted me.

 “I don’t want no goodbye talk or anything like that, if you are leaving I want you gone” he ordered.

“Now who’s the one who has a cold heart” I growled

He didn’t reply to me. It was silent for a little while and I decided to just say what I came to say whether he replied or not.

“Oliver, we were together”

He turned to face me and so I continued.

“We were together for the whole time I was here, since I arrived we were pretty much acting as if we were in a relationship with our dates and our phone calls, you were a boyfriend to me”

I felt as if he was letting down his guard and acting more vulnerable with me again, the vulnerable Oliver that I saw when he sat next to me on the plane.

He walked towards me at a fast but steady pace.

“I want to be your boyfriend” he assured me.

I nodded at him and unfolded my arms. “I know and you have been, whether we finalised what we are or not”

He looked away from me and towards the back door that I left open.

“Why do I feel there is a ‘but’ coming along?”

I smiled awkwardly. He walked towards the door and shut it leaning with his back against it.

“Because there is” I moaned

He started shaking his head.

“Yes Oliver, I need to say this otherwise we would always be stuck right in this kitchen where I told you that you were a boyfriend to me”

Tears began forming in his eyes.

“But Neavah that is all I want. When you go home, this is the only memory I will have left of you and it is the only memory I want” he assured me.

I really didn’t want to hurt him anymore than I already have. Heck, I didn’t want to hurt anymore than what I do but the only way to overcome where we are both at right now is to just let everything go.

“Trey Parker once said that saying goodbye doesn’t mean anything. It’s the times that are spent together that matters, not how we left it. Which means I am going and I am going to say goodbye to you? Oliver, when I come back and I will come back I won’t focus on this goodbye because the times we spent together are way too important to define us with a goodbye”

He began to slide down the door slowly and I walked quickly towards him to reach him before he hit the floor.

I grabbed both of his hands and fell down with him.

“I can’t live with you Neavah but I can’t live without you, you made everything better here” he cried

I couldn’t help but cry too. We were both caught up in a moment of love that has been lost.

I sighed through the crying as I tried to catch my breath.

“It’s over Oliver, not because I don’t love you. It’s over because I am going home and that was the plan from the beginning of the trip”

I barely managed to stand up as I walked towards my bag and placed it onto my shoulder.

“Neavah” he cried, remaining on the floor.

I wiped the tears and turned to face him as more began to form.

“Who is he? Your always?”

I lifted my eyes to the ceiling and back down to the floor where he was sitting.

“I don’t think he ever existed. It was Dylan, but then I met you, but now I am beginning to think it is me”

“You?” he questioned

“I make need to be happy with myself before I am happy with someone else”

He didn’t reply; I could see he was trying to digest what was said.

“I’m going out tomorrow evening as it is my last night here, please come” I requested.

I left his house through the front door before he could even give me an answer.

Goodbyes are difficult, I know people say it all the time and I am not denying that they were hurt during them because this? This was awful. I could barely hold myself together, every sentence that I said was useless, and my voice was broken and croaky. I honestly felt that I lost myself.

Even though I explained that I need to be happy with myself before I am happy with myself, well before I can be happy with myself I need to find myself and I genuinely think that now that I’ve said goodbye to Oliver and what we were, I think I’ve lost myself. So does this mean that my always was with him?