Waiting For Superman

Twenty

Everything I didn’t say

“Hi Oliver,

I know you’ve been avoiding me for a while now and I hate it. I hate the idea of us not talking, you know I do. I don’t know how to say how I feel and I am often not good at it, so I just wanted to send you the first chapter that I have written since I arrived in Spain. Please realise that the only reason I have not written one since I arrived is because you’ve given me so much to live in that I didn’t feel the need to write. The difference between you and Dylan is that Dylan would come and go, but you would stay.

This chapter is called kicking my heels.

There are so many beautiful moments in our lives where we have the opportunity to smile, where we have the opportunity to forget everything bad and just be happy. I have had a fantastic summer, for many reasons, one of the main reasons would be because I met someone who changed my life without effort, without struggle and without expecting anything back. I should know more than anyone that you could only give so much though before it’s not good enough to receive nothing back. I think the person who changed my life realised that too, he realised that I am giving and I am giving but is this it? Is this what it will always be? I mean maybe it is. Maybe this is what it will always be, a cycle that no one wants to escape because one of us is happy and the other person is happy to make the other one happy. Even though he is unhappy, he takes the opportunity to smile and be happy, not because he wants to feel better but because just seeing me smile makes him smile. I suppose that is when I realised he was in love with me. Is it at all possible to love someone again? Or does it mean you never loved them in the first place. I for sure know that in my heart the way I feel is strong, the way I feel develops every day without any self-control and the way I feel is real. Everything I feel at this specific moment is real, but it’s not good enough to be his. Unfortunately for me, he deserves the world, he deserves to be loved every day, not just during the summer, and he deserves someone’s face to wake up too. So it is a lose, lose situation for me, not him. Purely because I miss out on the greatest person on this planet and should I lose him as a friend? Then this makes this whole trip nothing but regret.

So it’s me, not him. Realise that it’s me who is left alone kicking my heels along the sidewalk.

I know that this was a small chapter Oliver, but it was only a passage that I worked long and hard on for you and I want you to read it with care and acknowledge that the situation we are in? The most real situation we could ever think of is really breaking my heart.

Send.

The phone began to ring and I was incredibly glad that it would take my mind of the email that I had just sent to Oliver.

“Hey Lora” I greeted as I turned shut my laptop screen.

I could hear her zipping up her bag in the background. “Hey Neavah, how are things?”

It felt so weird talking to Lora, a teacher from school about my problems rather than my best friend back home. I think I’m feeling home sick at the moment to be honest.

“I just miss home Lora” I moaned, trying to make my voice sound strong and avoid choking on the lump formed at the back of my throat.

Do you ever feel that when you are on the phone to someone you could feel whether they are listening or not. Well, just like Ashley I could feel that Lora did listen and that she sympathises with me.

“Is it everything with Oliver and Dylan?” she questioned.

Just hearing their names brought so many tears to my eyes and so much pain to my chest. My heart felt like it was drowning, my stomach being squeezed so small and kicked around like a football.

I pushed the loud speaker button as I placed my head down on the table with my arms wrapped around it.

“I’m hurting Oliver because I love Dylan, but I can’t say I don’t feel something for Oliver. I don’t love two people Lora, that isn’t how the world works – you can’t love two people. I have seen people in this situation before and when I advise them I tell them they can’t love two people it doesn’t work”

“It doesn’t work?” she questioned

I lifted my head up and shook it at her, I knew she couldn’t see but I know for sure she knew I was panicking and what I do when I panic.

“No it doesn’t, I always say that if you feel you love two people, then maybe the love you feel for one of them isn’t true”

I tried lifting my head higher and higher until I was looking up at the ceiling, I didn’t want any tears to fall tonight.

“Then that’s what you need to tell yourself. Do you love Oliver or Dylan?” she questioned.

I looked down at the phone, allowing all tears to fall from my eyes as if I just gave up trying to stop them.

“You’re crying” she sympathised; I could feel in her voice that it was a little bit broken. Not as bad as mine, but close enough.

“It’s everything that I didn’t say” I informed her.

I know she was confused, but she tried helping me as much as she could.

Send.

 “Neavah, if there is anything I could say then it would be do not hold back, don’t push all these feelings away, let down your guard and allow anything to happen. If it all gets messy, then we will deal with the mess later. I’m not saying go for Oliver and not Dylan because I don’t know Dylan. I’m not saying go for one and not the other because it’s you that knows what you want and it’s you that makes the decision. It’ll be the right decision as long as you let down your guard and open up”

I looked at myself in the mirror reflecting back a girl from year 7 who was sitting on the end of her bed afraid of what the world would bring but she knew because she had her group of friends that she would be okay. I think back to everything I felt back to that day when I was scared of losing people and comparing it to how I feel now. Back then ‘friends forever’ seemed possible to believe in and easy to stick to, now? It is much more difficult to call someone a friend especially if you are named Oliver. Oliver and Neavah could never be friends.

I see that same girl who was in year 7 because I am still afraid, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t grown to try and remain in someone’s life.

“It’s about time I open up” I agreed with Lora.