Reddit Stories 2019

Houses & Dragons

"Fool!" The dragon roared, rearing his mighty head back as the ground trembled beneath the booming sound of his voice. The sunlight rippled across his vibrant red scales. "I am Størmagórn, Conqueror of the Seven Lands, Devourer of Souls, Arson of the West. Who are you to speak to me like that, Woman?"

"I'm Kevin's Mom. The kid your daughter has been bullying." Even compared to her kind, the woman was not very tall. The meek boy behind her even smaller. But from the fearsome look in her eyes, one would never guess she was talking to a creature easily the size of her home. The wrath in her stare was enough to wither the most fearsome beast. Even Størmagórn, a mighty dragon with centuries of combat, felt the figurative sweat on his brow.

Dragons couldn't sweat, of course. But if they could, the neighborhood would have a new pool.

"How dare you, Kevin's Mom!" Størmagórn exclaimed, masking his lack of surprise with anger. "You insult my kin with these false accusations? I shall burn you and crush your bones between my teeth, then trample your lair and steal your gold. You will answer for this crime on my honor."

"Yeah, whatever Stormagon-" Størmagórn bristled at her mispronunciation - "you can do all that after your daughter apologizes to Kevin. But the bullying stops now."

The nuclear glare between the two would have been enough to eviscerate the upper half of suburban Los Angeles if Størmagórn had not been honorable and mitigated the conflict. He longed for the days of the 13th century, when he would be free to deal with this vile pest himself and did not have to worry about things like laws and the economy.

What good had humans ever done except create investment portfolios?

"Zëphyr!" Størmagórn bellowed, calling his purple-scaled daughter to his side. She lazily flew from inside the bunker, eyes widening and pupils narrowing as she saw the ferocious Kevin's Mom.

Zëphyr landed on the grass, letting her spined tail dangle in the rose bushes that lined the sidewalk. Størmagórn growled and with the most infuriating roll of her eyes, Zëphyr curled her tail around herself, away from the plants her father so painstakingly cultivated.

"Sup?"

"This wench-"

"Ahem," Kevin's Mom interrupted.

"This woman," Størmagórn corrected, eyeing her to see if that was acceptable. It was. "This woman said you were bullying her son. Is this true?"

"What? Him?" Zëphyr said. "I didn't say anything that wasn't true."

"There," Størmagórn said, puffing his chest with pride. "My daughter was simply reporting the truth. If your kind refuses to grow scales, you should develop thicker skin."

"I just said he smells like poop."

"Zëphyr!"

"See!" Kevin's mom roared. Her voice did not shake the earth and she had no scales to reflect the light on her enemies and blind them. But the fury in those five-and-a-fourth feet was unparalleled by anything that walked the earth. "I will not stand for this."

Størmagórn pitied those in customer service who earned her ire.

"Now, Zëphyr, humankind is pathetic and their bodies lack splendor, but there is no honor in combat with the weak, vocal or otherwise. If you want to become a great dragon princess, you will fight only the stronger so you may conquer them and devour their hearts."

"Ugh, whatever." Turning to the trembling boy, Zëphyr rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry I said you smell like giraffe poop. You don't smell that bad. And your face isn't stupid. It's just a normal, boring human face."

"Uh, thanks," Kevin said quietly.

"Yeah, sure." Turning to to her father and obviously exaggerating her boredom, she asked, "Can I go now or do I have to tell him he looks pretty too?"

"You may."

"Don't want to be a shitty dragon princess anyway," Zëphyr mumbled as she took off. Or what passed as a mumble for dragons anyway.

"Language!"

Zëphyr offered her father only the middle of her three claws as she disappeared inside the bunker. The distinct sound a metallic door slamming shut echoed outside. The worst invention humanity developed was housing. What was wrong with a cave in the side of a mountain or a good old fashioned volcano, Størmagórn would never understand.

The muffled angry sounds of the human Taylor Swift filled the air. Zëphyr listened to her music way too loudly and was obsessed with the unauthentic recorded sounds of human 'artists.' Størmagórn decided that this was the cause of the partial deafness that plagued his daughter for the last ten years.

He lowered his head so he could see Kevin's Mom eye to eye. The anger had faded and now she looked just like any of the other countless humans. That was fine. Størmagórn was glad knights disappeared with the treaty. "I trust this matter is resolved now?"

"Teenagers," she said with a smug smile, adopting another infuriating human habit and not answering his question. He learned to accept these as a yes. A no usually involved panicked screams.

"Zëphyr is a hundred and sixteen, so yes, I suppose."

"I've been there before," Kevin's Mom said, ruffling the fur on her namesake's head. "Kevin's my third. All boys."

"You would willingly have more than one?" Størmagórn asked with surprise. He suddenly understood where her ferocity came from.

"It'll pass," Kevin's Mom said, gifting her wisdom with a smile. She slid a tiny paper rectangle between his claws. "Don't be afraid to reach out if you need advice. I've seen it all at this point and it seems like you could use the help."

With a sidelong glance to the smushed roses and pulling the timid boy behind her, Kevin's Mom disappeared back inside her home, leaving Størmagórn alone with the softened sound of Bad Blood and a vague feeling of being insulted.

When the peace ended, he would eat her first.