"i wanna get back to where we started, to that summer night, oh you know you know you know we got it right."
-
present
grayson, faith and i sit silently in the car on the way to ethan's apartment. i actually didn't know what they were planning until i sat down in the car, and grayson put on the child lock as soon as i closed the door. i'm honestly very upset that they would manipulate ethan and i into seeing each other like this mostly because i'm not over the breakup.
we broke up not even a month ago and they're already trying to get us to talk to each other. it's just going to be awkward because of how it was when he left, and i honestly don't know how either of us are going to react when we see the other.
i have this void in me that he fucking left, so i'm not quite sure what grayson and faith are thinking. how do they think we're going to react? i can say for myself that my reaction is probably not going to be attractive.
the entire car ride i'm pouting in the back while looking out the window at all the buildings we drive past. in no way, shape, or form and i excited to see ethan after he just walked out on me. he didn't even try to fix anything between us. he literally just left and didn't come back, which is what really hurt me the most.
his apartment building is shittier than the last one he lived in. i guess living by yourself does that, and boys don't really care about the physical appearance about apartment building or apartments. they walk in, see if it's a good place to live, then they rent it. it's honestly such an easy process that i could never do because i would never want to live in a house that smells like piss.
ethan's apartment actually doesn't smell like piss at all. it smells like the cologne he puts on in the morning that i got accustomed to in the months we lived with each other. his apartment smells like the room ethan and i first made out in, it smells like the car we had our amazing first adventure on, and it smells like every single good memory we ever had. he put that cologne on for our first date-- and all the rest of them. the only times he didn't smell like his cologne was right after a workout when i couldn't even go near him.
my heart seems to skip three beats when ethan opens the door. his appearance resembles how i have felt since we broke up. his hair is a rats nest that falls over his eyes rather than the usual brushed and quiff hairstyle. it looks like he hasn't shaved in months, but in reality it's only been a couple of weeks. the stubble on his face is thicker than i have ever seen (except for november since him and grayson participate in 'no shave november'--it's so dumb). not even to mention the clothes he's wearing-- the black long sleeve shirt from our first meeting and a pair of sweatpants he gave me, but forced me to give back.
grayson was the messenger for that process.
i don't entirely look much better in a sweatshirt and leggings that were the first things i saw this morning on my bedroom floor. i know it's disgusting, but i've never felt this emotionally drained before.
his lips part in shock when he lays his eyes on me, and for a second i completely forget everything. i don't even care to remember any of the stupid shit that has happened to us as i push faith and grayson aside, closing the gap between ethan and i.
there is no way that ethan and i can get back together, but i have needed his embrace for so long now. if i went on any longer without hugging him i feel like i would have collapsed, so i decided for the both of us that there isn't going to be an argument between us. my arms wrap around his neck and i pull him into me, feeling his scruff against my jaw and neck.
he hesitates for a couple of seconds before he exhales a sigh of relief and he wraps his arms around my torso. he pulls me into him so we're closer than before, and i almost break down in tears when i smell the shirt he's wearing. the smell of his shirt is the scent i feel most comfortable with in the world and it's my favorite.
