Love Yourself First | BTS FF

14 - I was told this is where I would start loving myself

Please listen to dodie's song If I'm Being Honest

You push yourself out of bed after laying still there for as long as you could, contemplating whether or not you should just skip school, but you give up on that thought from lack of a good excuse.

You reach the bathroom and keep your head low, not wanting to look in the mirror. You zip through your morning routine, but you can't make yourself get dressed just yet.

You lean your hands on the cold bathroom counter, taking deep breaths to ignore from the intruding thoughts. Your hands move slowly, eventually reaching the right side of your hip, and you lift up your shirt to reveal the bare skin underneath. Your thumb traces it.

You never thought you could get stretch marks at 16.

Actually, you never even thought about stretch marks until you noticed them on your body. You thought it was something only pregnant women could get. You never knew you could get it from being overweight. They look funny. Like little etches of cracked skin but not actually cracked, just traces of it. Almost like fossils.

You decide to take a peek at the ones on your legs too.

At the top of your inner thighs, there are more stretch marks. Red and crawling downwards; you remember the first time you saw them.

You were young. Younger then now. Young enough not to be self conscious yet. Young enough not to know better. You were hanging out with your mom, before her mood became sour on you, and somehow you saw it. "What, what's this?" You asked, pointing it out to her. Before knowing about the internet, she was what you turned to for all your answers. "Hm?" She looked closer. "Oh, those are stretch marks. Some people have them if their thighs shift together when they walk. Like if they don't have a thigh gap."

That was it. That was all it took for you to start questioning yourself, doubting yourself, asking yourself if you were enough.

You gave her the benefit of the doubt, maybe that wasn't her intention, but looking back on that time in your life there were many little comments like that and not just from her.

You think back to a time in middle school as you crawl into your car. You slump in your seat and look out at the gloomy sky, matching your mood. Your mind brings you back to three years ago.

It was hot that day, and your uniform required a mandatory blazer that was pretty thick. You were heating up and you started to feel uncomfortable. "Ah! It's so hot today right?" You said to lighten the mood in class. You were surrounded by people you were unfamiliar with, and you intended it to stay that way. You thought this way about everyone except for your crush, who you were, luckily enough, assigned to sit straight across from.

You started fanning your hands and the blazer opening, laughing by yourself. And then, who would've guessed? The first time he spoke to you would be about this.

"Just take your jacket off then." He said. Actually, it would be a major understatement to say that he just said that; it sounded like he was accusing you. Like he was annoyed by your little comment about the temperature. Like he was disgusted you even spoke in front of him.

Despite his obvious contemptuous attitude, you laughed it off. "Hehe, I'm okay actually." You stuck your face with a grin and waited for him to look away. He glared at you before shrugging and turned his attention elsewhere. You sighed quietly.