Aҽσɳιαɳ💮j.e.

💮Chapter 12: Naufragous💮

(Blackwater, America 1899)
Naufragous- in danger of being totally wrecked or destroyed
I looked at the view as I lay on my stomach, we decided to camp out here since Arthur didn't come yet. I thought he would have been here by now. Arthur is a pretty reliable guy, he always donates to camp, I've seen it so much since I've been here. 

The air here is thick, I don't know if it's because of the tension or how high we are. Javier has been in a jealous mood ever since Charles called my blush cute. Charles was currently sleeping in the tent he set up which was about 20 feet away from us.

"Javi, mi amor, don't tell me you're mad at me," I asked sweetly as I walked over to him. He was sitting away from the small fire we made. He is obviously missing his guitar, but I know he is a little mad about earlier. I sat down next to him. I laid my head on his shoulder. We were gazing off into the hazy clouds that covered the moon. "Don't ignore me Javi," I whispered to him. 

"I'm not," He said still looking away from me.

"He's just joking around, and you know I'll never leave you." I intertwined our fingers shifting my focus to his face.

"This is America," He started his voice getting angry with sad undertones. "You might find someone who is able to give you whatever you want, a permanent home for example... I'm a thief Y/N. I lie, and I cheat and I steal. I can't-"

"Stop putting yourself down," I moved his face so he was looking in my eyes. "You're everything I want," I captured him in a deep kiss. Our tongues moved together in sync. The warmth of his hands traveled to my back. I deepened the kiss, even more, kissing him feverishly. It felt like it was only us in the world. However, I reluctantly pulled away to finish my sentence.

"You are my home, Javi." I finished, after my sentence it was silent. It wasn't awkward and gazing into each other's eyes wasn't a problem. Much like the day all those years ago we slowly drew closer. We seized each other's lips. The kiss quickly grew heated, soon he stopped to place wet kisses along my neck. I wanted to give in to temptation so bad, but Charles is close, it's not the right time and...something else. 

"Javi-" He cut me off my kissing me, it felt like he could see those doubts in my head. I was about to push him away, but he collapsed on me. He is a sneaky thing, he gave me a breather as he went back to my neck. This time I successfully pushed him away. "Javier this isn't the time, we have to wait for Arthur, and Charles is close by. Let's just got to sleep, alright?"

I didn't wait for his response. I got off the ground and went into our tent. I laid on the makeshift bed. After a few seconds, I felt him climbing in. He wrapped an arm around my waist and drifted to sleep. 

I didn't have the nerves to tell him how I really feel. The fact that I'm a little broken. The fact that I can feel their hands and breath on me at random times of the day. The fact that I still have nightmares, and trust issues. The fact I'm scared to have sex. 

It matters, yet at the same time, it doesn't. No one is going to help me with this. This is my burden to carry. Sometimes I feel like I go one step in the right direction only to be kicked three steps back. After four and a half years, I finally realized that Javier leaving wasn't my fault. Now I'm kicked three steps back into another problem.

No matter what, I would never blame him for what happened to me, the things that went down when I had joined the O'Driscoll gang. 

I'm not with them anymore. 

It shouldn't matter.

It doesn't...

...

...

...I hope. 

Everyone here doesn't like O'Driscolls what if they found out I was ever one of them. I remember, when I was at the Van Der Linde camp, I heard a plea for help. Javier said it wasn't important. It was important. 

Could it be an O'Driscoll?

Were they really like that? All these thoughts are starting to give me a headache. 

"Y/N are you still awake?" I stilled all my movements. "I know you're awake, you're never this still when you're asleep."

"Yeah, I'm still awake," I mumbled. It might not be the best time to tell him, about my little situation.

"What's bothering you, amor?" He asked gently as he rubbed my hipbone. 

"It's not that important. I was just thinking." I mumbled.

"Don't lie to me," His voice hardened. I looked at him over my shoulder.

"I just don't feel like talking about it, it's not important," I argued. But, he didn't feel like letting it go.

"If it involves you it is important," He sat up.

I sat up too, "Can we not right, now? It's something that I don't feel like sharing," My voice was barely audible. I hoped he heard me. I looked at him into his eyes. The anger I saw in them immediately softened upon meeting mine. I think he understood that it was a touchy subject.

He laid back down reluctantly while saying, "When you feel like talking, let me know." With that, he went to sleep.

I laid back down and went to a dreamless sleep.

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I'm sorry things been a little sad lately this should be the last sad chapter for a while. I just needed to get the backstory out and an explanation for why she does what she does. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed have a lovely night/day.