How He Broke My Heart

Chapter 32 - The End

I walk up the beach as if I just survived a shipwreck. I guess in a sense I did. People stare as I trudge through the sand in my drenched clothes—quite aware of how bizarre I look while I am too spaced out to notice myself. After climbing over the wall and embarrassingly walking through town like a castaway, I make my way down the street where my Aunt's house sits at the end.

I think I realized something as I jumped into the water and left all my worries on the dock. I think I realized that I'm not okay, and not because I drink too much or surround myself with bad people, but because I haven't been taking care of myself. Popping random pills, fighting with ex-boyfriend's, constant teetering between ecstatic and utterly empty—it's torn Emma apart and suddenly I'm not sure who Emma is. Is she a helpless romantic? Is she a writer? Is she a Stanford student? Is she in love?

I chew on my salty lip as the house nears.

The last time I remember being Emma was before all of this, before Hunter, before boys. I've let them tear me to pieces and now I must glue myself back together, or at least figure out what pieces look like mine.

There really isn't much time to do this with the summer ending and school beginning. In a dorm for most of my days, I'm sure I'll have moments by myself to remember what makes me who I am, though. Or maybe I don't have to remember. Maybe I have to discover. The end of this summer, my last summer before college, signifies the moment Emma broke. Now with this clean slate, I have room to work and build and remodel.

It's time I ask for help.

Brandon is sitting on the steps of the porch, watching as I walk towards the house. The sight of him doesn't make me anxious because I know now that I can't keep worrying about what I've done wrong. My mistakes are evident. I know they exist—they must be understood, learned from, and left behind.

"Emma," He says. "It's not what you think."

"I was hoping you'd say that," I call as I make my way down the gravel driveway and toward him.

He stands up and meets me halfway. "Jess—she needed me to pretend that we're together. Her parents aren't accepting of the kind of person she is. Our parents talk. She's just trying to figure things out."

I smile a little. "I wish I figured that out sooner. Would have saved me a lot of worrying."

Brandon looks over my wet clothes and wears a confused face.

"I was hoping you'd have an explanation because I didn't want to remember you as another heartbreaker. You're a good guy, Brandon. Thanks for being a good one. I want to end my series of unfortunate summers with one that proves me wrong."

"What do you mean, Emma? You're making it sound like this is the last time you're ever going to see me."

I take his hand and lead him back to the steps. We sit beside each other and gaze out at the empty street ahead. "I have to fix myself," I say. "I mean, there isn't much left to fix, but I have to find the girl who's supposed to be inside my body. I've let her slowly disappear."

Brandon clasps his hands together, his body hunched over, his elbows resting on his knees. "We were doing good. I thought we figured everything out. You got Kaden help, you helped Lauren, you—"

"Now I have to help myself."

"But you aren't broken, Emma," he says, looking up at me, moving close. "I know who you are. You're right here. You've been here this whole summer."

"This isn't the person I want to be. This person is impulsive and reckless and destructive—"

"We all are. But you, Emma—so what you're emotional. There's nothing wrong with feeling a little more than other people. Sure you've been hurting, I know, but you always grow from the pain. Every summer you've grown."