Beasts: Diary Entries of Unspoken words

Axel (Occisor)

Mother knows best

I was taught this from the beginning and I have learned to never stray from her advice. Ever since I was born I had followed her obediently but I knew something was missing. Through the pain and the empty soft words she told me after she had scratched my eye left me feeling empty and cold. After my father had died,his spot on the council was therefore passed to me as his only next of kin. My mother,however was my advisor and thus she controlled everything I did. I was merely a puppet because I trusted her. I was her stepping stool and I knew it. And until recently I was content with being only a mindless tool. I wouldn't have admit this before today but I was conditioned and sheltered from all other ideas for one sole purpose. On the council there were two members which were lions. Myself and Lupus, were the only lions there and from the beginning my family and everyone from our tribe had been enemies. We deserved it all and we wanted it all for ourselves. That was why two was appointed instead of choosing favorites, that and that Lupus had next of kin of his own. Sebastian was the same age as was I although he hadn't even been appointed a codename to be used during missions and in front of enemies. That told me that I had an advantage over the wide eyed bushy tailed pussy. 

I never had met him personally,during meetings I only repeated what mother told me to repeat,line from line. Those not directly in the council was asked to wait elsewhere. The only interaction I had with the other lion was heated glares at each other. I could see something in his eyes that I was not yet familiar with and yet I could see it in my own once I found him on my mind 24/7. It was hard to hide it from mother,at first it was small glances and I would feel myself drawn to his smile and laughter with his own parents. I felt jealousy yet a contentment at the fact that he could freely enjoy what I could not. As  I roamed the outside of my tribe I found that my normals were other people's absurdities. One did not bow or serve their parents on a hierarchy and simply in a lax manner while I was forced to kneel as long as my mother was speaking. And often I was pushed past standards that was past 'humane'. Before I knew any of this,there was only her and in my tiny world Sebastian had unknowingly expanded on my own. 

I felt myself longing for his looks of affection and even to hang on every spoken work he was to utter. I grew myself to be infatuated with the young lion however,his gender was the problem. Before him,yes I did have mates,hand picked my mother to further our tribe's kin and I have never met any of my supposed children or met their mothers again. After those nights,I never felt fulfilled with the smiles and tears that others seemed to have yet he had done so. I wanted to know more,to see more. I was staring from the sidelines as always. I didn't have many options but to watch. I wanted him,so much badly that I haven't ever in my life. However,it was forbidden. My love for the lion of the opposite tribe was to never to turn out with a happy ending,not for him nor for me either. I was trapped between a rock and a hard place,taking the risky unforbidden love or living on watching him grow and fall in love leaving me in the sidelines. And as far as he would know nothing would have ever change. I would be seen as a hateful and a spiteful teenager brainwashed to be an empty shell of my father's. But I knew it was more than that,it hurt to see him yell at me as I stated my mother's biased and opinions that had been written in stone for centuries at a time. I even loathed them as I spoke them but I knew if I spoke out my unscratched eye will soon match the scratched other.

At least people can be held by fear of their own consequences,being trapped in a box as suffocating. It was hard lifting myself out of bed and deciding that I should continue my recurring nightmare in real time, except that I couldn't wake up. My dreams were filled with thoughts of his warm smile and long blonde hair mixed in with orange and some patches of black. Hre was mine in my dreams,I just wished I could keep dreaming,forever. There were times I did wish I could die right there on the spot and send my final death message to everyone and my confession straight to Sebastian but I knew,that another innocent cub would go through what I did,if not worse. I needed to take this burden and live it out properly no matter how much it pained me. I knew I would never be good enough for the young one anyway. He was social,easy to get along with and capable of himself but to my mother's deepest hatred, gay. And so was I.

But one night I had grown tired of being in the shadows like this,I had demanded that mother let me go on a hunting trip myself for a week on my own away from our land. She had agreed with great pride,declaring that I was the pride of our tribe and that I should be flaunted off. I've taken my bag filled with the rest of my plan. I dyed my hair an ash gray color and applied the eye color drops into my yellow ones. I'd watch the process many times myself,the drops would penetrate slowly and overtook my natural one. This brand in particular was made to last a week without a sign of fading color. I'd took a deep breath in return,hesitating at my decision once I've finished changing in my hotel room. I have asked Panthera to help me pick out some clothes,ones that was more modern than my own (my tribe was very traditional).  I had asked him several times if he was sure with his decisions,compared to my own clothes I found the pants rather tight, too tight if you asked me. Though the other merely nodded his head in confirmation and a satisfied smirk crossed his legs. I examined myself in the mirror once more,I truly looked different and actually very normal. I was unused to wearing earrings but I'd had to admit I liked them on me. Now those boots I had to wear were similar to women's if I was to recall. It even had heels though not nearly as tall or thin. Just an inch or so was off the ground. The white sweater I had chosen matched my hair and the light brown of my shoes were both nude colors. That was good,I didn't want to stand out. In the real world I was no long Masster Axel or 'King' just plain Axel. And I wanted to experience that and to finally meet him. It made my heart flutter just at the thought of it. I can admit my obsession for him has gotten...hard to control. i had all his fan merchandise that they sold and even then I couldn't help the stupid grin that came to my face when thinking of him. Last time I had to restrain myself from getting a keychain of him even though I had not one key to hang it on. It was getting hard hiding everything from...well everyone actually.

It was during the summer when I had finally met him,his eyes were glistening in the rising sun and I couldn't find any words that left my parched mouth. My whole entire body and mind no longer wanted to listen to me. I had it all planned out,on a piece of paper and the places I wanted to go with him every time we would meet up. But he caught me off guard,I never planned for that. The sucker had smelled me from miles away and as I was looking about for him Sebastian had jumped on my shoulders, startling me in the process. Seeing him up close was so different from any stupid fan base stuff or looking from afar during meetings. I could feel his heartbeat and smell him and see him for who he really was. It was phenomenal and for once in my life I felt like I had climbed out of my box that was getting smaller and smaller. I could answer the one definition any third grader could that I couldn't without looking at a dictionary. What is love? But I knew one thing was for certain,

Today was going to be the best day of my life.