Beasts: Diary Entries of Unspoken words

Francis ( Mr. Nobody)

It's Good to be Alive right about Now

The feeling,or the lack of had me feeling so dull lately. I wanted to end it all with just one click of the barrel against my head. I've gotten used to it. The cold of the barrel against my head,so many times I had tried to get away from it. To leave and be reborn just like I believed and I did with all of my soul. I just didn't know I had it after all. Or maybe I didn't have the right body to enjoy it. I didn't have any of what I have today,not the wealth,the body,the friends or job either. I was drastically overweight and deep in debt. To be frank,I was a waste of a life. I wanted something better for me,more than anything else in the world but I was stuck. It was too late and there was only one more option left for me to discover my new self. Except there wasn't only one option. 

Everyday is something new now,I could be any gender I chose too,I was comfortable in my own skin and I felt like crying and screaming I was filled with such overwhelming happiness that I barely knew if this was a dream or reality either. The man upstairs had finally blessed me with a perfect life. But I knew deep down that something was wrong. All this pleasure,jet skis,skydiving, pools and sunny beaches felt wrong. I couldn't help but forget I was in this new body. It felt so different yet light and comfortable. I cried everyday for a week every time I saw my new reflection. It shocked and stunned me beyond regular words. The rippling feeling of mixed emotions of pure adrenaline and all those butterflies from when I was kid was combining and mixing with none of the rules and consequences that came with harsh reality. I thought it was too good to be true but I never thought it was because of something like this. I brushed off the heavy unwelcome irk and pull on my heart. I didn't want to releish anything that affected me from my past life so I didn't listen to it. It was as simple as that really. I always put my wants and needs first and that was what was put me in this situation. I didn't want to go back,to wake up and smell the coffee and roses. I wanted to hold onto it the most I could while I was still having the time of my life. But all things had to end. 

And just as I feared it was just a dream. I didn't even know that it was possible for my terribly average brain to have such a vivid and realistic dream and paradise like that. I could feel everything,the sun on my back and sand between my toes. Down to the acupuncture I had done on my body every single day to prevent aches and pains that were never real in the first place. Instead I woke up to my puke green colored ceiling on my pathetic twin bed that sagged from my weight every time I laid or sat on it. Oddly instead of seeing sun stream in from the window or even a slimmer of sunlight that still managed to be there when it rained was gone. It was dark,but nevermind that fact. My problem was that it was entirely pitch dark outside. Not a star or moon out and the clouds were a distant memory. In fact it was just the color black. It hurt my eyes to stare at it until I was pulled by an invisible force through it. I was plunged into a world that I could never imagine and after a while of intense cold and yet at the same time heat I landed on the bottom with a thud. I still had blood at temples strangely enough and I could faintly remember the discarded gun at the foot of my bed where I had dropped it after the gunshot. It would explain the splitting headache but it did not account on why the absolute hell I was still in this crappy body and I was still alive. Well,I thought I might have been alive. Everything still felt really fuzzy to me and it was difficult to think. It felt like I was in Tv static almost. All my memories from when I was a child came flooding back to me,when I was truly happy. It was filled of memories of songs through a music player and a radio and counting stars with my father. Most of it was food, even I'd have to admit I was a glutton when I was a little termite. At the bottom,it was the same background or rather no background at all,pitch darkness. Except at one direction. I can't say for certain which position it was but it was on my right side. I felt drawn to it,it had the same aura as my dream if that made any sense at all. As fast as I could run with my stupid chubby legs I ran in that direction. The only thing that I could see next was blinding light,it was warm and comforting.

Blinding pain followed that comfort,almost like my skin was being peeled away from my soul if that made any sense. I was placed down onto the ground tenderly and I noticed a lot of things first,my skin didn't sag and I felt six time lighter than before. I could breathe freely in and out and my skin felt tighter. Sure, I was sore all over but I felt new,when I was a kid once more. I was no longer in my old sweatpants and overly baggy XXL shirt and instead I was wearing black skinny jeans and a form fitting white turtleneck. Which let me tell you if you were in my size,you never fit in anymore. Realizing what was finally different,hesitantly I ran my fingers down my newly sculpted abs and I could feel the tears run down my face. If this was a dream like the other one,I have got to give myself some props for this. I pinched myself for good measure and it was true.  There was one more thing though,falcon wings.

I could get used to this shit. It's good to be alive right about now.

(Inspired by Good to be Alive (Hallelujah) by Andy Grammer)