Every time. You leave me gasping for air. To find the tiniest speck of loveliness and want to live within me.
And every time , you subtract the one thing I was holding on to,leaving me to fall freely down the cliff. Furthermore you only subtract. You subtract and divide my soul until it's empty, never even thinking of balancing the equation.
The worst part is, I always go from your faults to my weaknesses, to my nonexistent faults. Tearing up all the shreds of self-love left inside of me.
You persuade me to show my most vulnerable and self-loathing state. It's like first you pierce a dagger into me when I fail to stop that one tiny drop of my weakness from rolling down my cheeks and then you reach for the heart by calling them FAKE, DRAMATIC.
And wow! I mean after castrating me, you whine and curse me because your hand hurts and I keep it all in.
You know what !? You're the stone and I'm the pebble, but you're the hollow stone. Not the one which acts to be bold but is broken inside, you're the one which deliberately shows people you're broken, and while I keep bundling it up inside I keep getting compressed until I become a grain of sand. But you're not content with even that.
Then you criticise me for being so minuscule, light, without enough will. Maybe, Maybe you are right, I start thinking and proceed to wither some more until I finally get dissolved into water, something I'm not even remotely close to.
And now that I'm a solution of hundreds of different things I'm forced to contemplate who I really was, who I really wanted to become, HOW I LOST MYSELF while trying to make you believe that I DESERVE HAPPINESS.
Maybe sometime when this water evaporates, these foreign particles leave, I'll become whole again, back to the sand grain. Hell, from there I might even try to turn back into a pebble, to a rock, PROVIDED, NO ONE DRINKS ME UNTILL THEN.
~Aanvi.
5/4/19
YOU ARE READING
Eigengrau
PoetryWhen you're drowning in an ocean, what do you do ? You flap your arms around, kick your legs and resurface while your breath shortens. Let's say by some miracle there's a log right there and you cling to it. Well, that log for me was the consistent...
