Unwritten: Diary of a Lean Green Plumber

Beginnings

31 July 1981

Brooklyn, New York

Dear Diary,

It was like a scene straight out of a movie. The fiendish villain, standing atop the skyscraper. The beautiful damsel, sweating and wailing and hysterical (well, not that hysterical in this case). The determined, courageous hero, braving perilous obstacles to save the girl. Thousands of feet below, a mass of New Yorkers watched, hardly daring to breathe, as the showdown between hero and villain played out atop a battleground consisting of platforms, I-beams and support structures. Seasoned reporters excitedly narrated the action to millions more watching safe at home on their TVs as cameras maneuvered to capture the money shot.

I was among those spectators.

The hero was my big bro, Mario. The villain was a former circus ape, Donkey Kong, or DK for short. And the damsel was Mario's flame at the time, Pauline. The two were the perfect couple and had been steady since 1977, I think. But that's another story.

My fellow bystanders sought to comfort me as I watched Mario negotiate the perilous obstacle course before him, his trusty hammer in hand. Thank God he worked in the construction business, and on the very project he was scaling, or else he would've been in big trouble. He knew the network of scaffolds like the back of his hand. Craning my neck, I could see him scurry up ladders, dash across scaffolding and leap over the obstacles DK tossed his way, using his hammer to smash the unavoidable ones. As he ascended, his figure grew smaller and smaller, and I could barely see DK or Pauline.

Maybe that was a good thing.

Someone gave me a glass of Scotch, which I knocked back gratefully. Just before Mario disappeared from sight, I shouted up to him:

"Try knocking down some of the scaffolding as you go! That'll stop that ape for sure!"

He glanced down and gave me a quick nod before continuing his self-imposed mission.

I worked as a mechanic at a steel works company, you see, and when the news of Mario's situation broke, my boss and I had a few words before I defiantly marched out of there and onto the scene to give my bro the support he needed. A few of my co-workers had followed me, and now we went to a nearby bar, where we watched the continuing coverage on one of the TVs and downed shots to keep our nerves steady. Then, we shared a plate of sliders and fries. My co-workers were gentle and understanding, not pushing me to make small talk and even praying with me when minutes slid by with no updates. That's more than I could say for my jerk of a boss, who only cared about output.

I won't go much into what happened, by I'll tell you that when I heard DK was subdued and Mario was on his way back down with Pauline, I cried like a baby. God bless my co-workers for not judging me. We rushed back onto the scene, and there was Mario, standing triumphantly with Pauline in his arms. Her hair was disheveled and her dress had a clean tear straight down the middle, but she was safe with the man she loved. Mario brilliantly deflected questions shouted from the reporters and walked briskly up to me.

"Thank God, you're alright!" I exclaimed, hugging him tight.

"Oh, Luigi!" he breathed as he hugged me back the best he could. He was likewise disheveled, and covered in sweat, dirt and bruises. Then, Pauline threw her arms around us both, so it became like a group hug. We just hugged and hugged and hugged, cameras flashing around us, till we were all hugged out. Then, I rode in the ambulance with the reunited couple to the hospital, where they were treated for both physical and psychological trauma.