Unwritten: Diary of a Lean Green Plumber

Dancing in the Rain

11 March 2015

Smash Mansion

Dear Diary,

Now that Smash 4 has officially left the launchpad, the Smashers have quickly become known for certain feats or traits regarding their performances on the battlefield. Rosalina and Luma, petite and adorable yet deadly, can send an opponent on their way at just 60% damage, thanks to their u-air. Little Mac is a great boxer, but he's no air fighter; he tends to side-B off the stage. His opponents use that to defeat him and call it "d—ing on Little Mac". But I wouldn't do that to him. Not to my best friend.

Shulk became famous—or infamous—for his taunt: "I'm really feeling it!" Really feeling what, Shulk? That's starting to get very annoying, so could you tone it down, please?

Captain Falcon is known as the one who curb-stomped Chrom, Lucina's father, during an audition. Understandably, raw feelings remain on Lucina's side. But Lucy and I have quickly become friends. Maybe I can convince her to let go of her anger at Falcon, just as I'd convinced Mario and DK to let go of their rivalry years ago.

The Villagers, albeit friendly off the battlefield, are the new poster children for "beware the nice ones". One of their special moves involves chopping down a tree with an axe, and when you take into account that unmoving smile on their faces—well, that's given birth to some unsettling implications. I mean, when I'm fighting one of them, they just smile at me—even in situations where they shouldn't smile—as if they derive great pleasure in beating everything holy out of their fellow Smashers. Especially with that axe—you wouldn't like them when they're holding that axe.

I eventually took one of them aside and talked to them about it. The Villager told me that they were aware of this for quite a while and decided to embrace it. But they assured me that it was just an act. They're not "Killagers" in real life. They just wanna have fun. Okay, that makes me feel a little better.

When it comes to Greninja, he likes to joke about how people chose him and Lucario over Mewtwo. What has ensued is artwork depicting Greninja drinking Mewtwo's tears. The Ninja/Water-type Pokémon had a laid-back side and was amused by this, even getting in on it at one point. Also, people started punctuating complaints with the phrase "Better nerf Greninja". Greninja was—not so amused.

"What will Mewtwo think if he comes back?" I asked him once.

"I dunno," said Greninja. "I just hope that he knows it's a joke."

Marth has become a go-to fighter because of his Shield-Breaker move, nicknamed the Tipper, because the tip of Falchion does most of the damage. "Just the tip," they'd say, and Marth would blush and oblige. Remember—try not to use your shield against Marth—because his tip will break it.

There are also jokes that DDD is already perfect, which is why he doesn't have to copy people after inhaling them. There's also the way he likes to dance around while taunting opponents, and instead of crouching, he lies down on the stage as if to say, "I'm fabulous!" He's—started using this as a taunt, as well.

As for Koopa, Dorf and Wario, they're still up to their old tricks. They have a grudging respect for me and don't harass me as much, but they still vex me with their take-no-prisoners attitude when fighting against me on the battlefield. Dorf has a move called the Flame Choke, and he tends to use that to self-destruct and take his opponents with them. We call it the "GanonDunk" behind his back. Koopa does something similar with his Flying Slam move, and surprisingly, Dorf approves. And Wario's just, Wario, grandstanding when trying to ride over people on his bike, Chomping people and using a Smash Ball to turn into Wario-Man(?).