Bad habits

" oh come on briney i will always be mad"

Today was the last day I would be living with my grandparents after 4 months, my mother had finally decided she wanted me back. Of course, this was after I had all my meetings to help me 'get better' and to make sure I don't have another 'episode'. I still had my meals set out for me like I was a small child who couldn't look after herself and I still had a day to day plan. My life had been like this for a while but I was use to it. My grandmother hands me my buzzing phone and in bold letters it says 'birthgiver'. My mother hates that I saved her number under that name.

"Morning Annie, so me and Timothy will pick you up in half an hour to take you to this new group"

"Mum, I told you I am not going"

"Oh I wish you wouldn't hide your talents from the world"

"You have to say stuff like that, you're my mum and I don't want to go"

"Please Annie" I can hear in her voice I am hurting her.

"Fine. See you in half an hour" and I hang up, give my plastic plate to my grandmother and head upstairs to get ready.

Forty-five minutes later I'm getting out of the car with my mother and walking into a church hall. The day was long, I made one friend: Rihanna. she was my age and very pretty. We all sang a few songs and got taught one or two dances. I was very glad when it was home time.

By the time I got back to my grandparents house it was time to take my suitcases back home and get ready for my first day back in school after two months out. I done the usual; dinner, tablets, shower, read, tablets, sleep.

"Annie. Bri. Up now." I get up shower, eat, get ready and take my tablets. My mother lovingly reminds me i only have a week left on them. I leave the house forcing out the best and biggest smile I can pull off with out looking scary before heading to school. All day I felt like everyone was walking on egg shells around me. Fake smiles, fake hugs from everyone. Even my ex best friends. From everyone except Elijah.

'Oh my god, Annie! Annie! It's really you" I hear from the other side of my first lesson! I turn round and see the wonderful Payton running towards me with open arms. This is the girl who claims to be my best friend but has not tried to contact me while I've been away. I don't have other friends so I am not going to complain, so I will take her fake friendship over sitting alone at lunch time. All day we walked around the school with her telling me all of the latest stuff happening in school. Who's now dating who, who is not talking to who. So basically telling me a lot of invalid information I do not wish to know. But it made my day go faster and I didn't look like the loner with no friends. Lunch time was nice. The wether was good, which is weird as we normally don't get a sunny day in the middle of April in England. i sat with Payton eating my sandwich my mum demanded I ate, I couldn't help but watch Elijah. My mother said he came to visit me in hospital. Now I don't even get a smile or a hello.

Going home with all of the work I have missed was funnily enough the best thing to happen to me all day since it also gave me an excuse to ignore my family for the rest of the day until I want to sleep. Well except dinner, that was full of awkward chit chat. Until my younger sister blurts out "so Annie are you not mad anymore". This made me laugh as I answered her " oh come on briney i will always be mad" my mother did not find any of that amusing. My stepfather just wanted to go back to playing his Xbox. I guess living at home won't be so bad, I've missed bri.

Life went back to normal. Well, what some people may say is normal. I had routine. I went to my support meeting, I came off my meds, I went to school, I did my work, I spent time with family and I continued to go to my new theatre group. Life at home was a little hard. Briney didn't quite understand what had been going on. Why I went away, why she couldn't see me, it wasn't clear to her. Being 7 and trying to grasp the idea that your older sister went a little insane is probably not the easiest thing. I tried to make up for the time I missed. One day I built us a blanket fort and we played tinkerbell board games and ate cake all day since I missed her birthday. I took her to the park or went for bike rides a few times. I took her out on my skate board one time and taught her how to ride. We went to the Ramps at a park I started to use as my little escape place because no one I knew went there. I got us ice cream and I showed her all of my 'cooooool twicks'. It was a great day. Until I fell and snapped my board. She over reacted and freaked out. I still don't know why.

My mother on the other hand found it a little harder to treat my like a normal person again, I didn't look at her as a mother anymore. She was like a home nurse. Like I was still in that place. She was just another person caring for me. I know a mother should look after you but she went to extremes. I was never allowed my door closed. I wasn't allowed in my room longer than half an hour. She checked my phone. She cleaned my room (which I know was just an excuse to snoop through my things) I let her do all of this. I think it was more of a coping mechanism for her rather than for me. I still had a little freedom. However, it wasn't like I could go out with my friends. I didn't have any. I lost everyone after my accident. That's what we call it now. My accident or my bad time. I don't mind really. I'm over it.

My stepdad acted as if nothing had happened. I don't know why I expected him to act any different. He don't have emotion or feeling towards anything. He is worse than half the teenage boys in the world. Him and my mum still argued a lot but he was more into his video games so it never lasted more than five minutes before my mum got bored fighting with herself. She tried to kick him out once. She said she was done with him and that she didn't want him anymore. He laughed at her and told her to stop being pathetic. At this point I had to go back to my normal nightly routine, assuring my little sister that 'mummy and daddy are just have a disagreement and that if you go to sleep you will wake up and everything will be fine again and everyone will be happy' as well as promising that I wasn't going away again. Two promises I was petrified wouldn't be able to keep and that broke my heart as my baby sister fall asleep in my arms. Timothy would go to work, come home and sit in his room playing online. We was lucky if he would eat dinner with us. I think 12 year old boys in Germany got more conversation outbox him then we did. Even if it was swearing because someone shot him.

The rest of my family would 'drop by' I quickly learnt this translated to 'came to see Annie just I case she goes insane again or tries to top herself' I just smiled when they would come round. My uncle would pop in a lot but only bring the kids now and then. It makes me sad I missed summers first Christmas. Me and my main family were not invited to many parties or large family gatherings anymore and I was the reason why. No one wanted the 'sick kid' or the 'crazy' family member around when trying to have fun. My grandparents were the most compulsive. They would 'pop in' every other day. Sometimes everyday. But I still think that was more checking on my mother more than me. Once i heard a chat between the three of them when I was in my room. I knew they were talking about me because my mother asked me to close my door. Which was normally forbidden.

"Catherine, you have for to stop smothering the poor girl or she will never get better and grow"

My mother just cried and sobbed a few words. I tried to listen but it was a little hard as my sister was singing to her new Pop Princess CD. However, I could make out some of what she was saying.

"Mum, dad. You don't see her how I see her. She's my daughter and I have failed. I am the reason why she is like this. I should of done a better job"

Things like that would never actually be spoken about between me and mother. She sometimes forgets my non-existing sperm downer was actually insane too. Joke, my mother didn't go to a sperm bank. She got knocked up with me just after she left school and whilst she was pregnant he went into the institution. I've met him a few times. I can probably count it all on one hand. I know his name, age and what he looks like. I blame myself for what happened to him.