Bad habits

"I got scratched by my friends cat"

Once I found Molly I just cried. I rushed to the bathroom and cried. I didnt explain anything to her. She knew exactly who and what made me this way. She understood me. After crying, I considered making myself look presentable for my last lesson and form but what was the point? I would never be able to change their minds. Everyone had an opinion on me and it was stuck. So I spent the remaining hours of this school year in silence. No contact at all, other than saying 'here' when sir called my name in register. Even then there was the odd laugh. ' oh yeah let's laugh because the teacher said the crazy girls name'. My school was pathetic. My mother is always telling me everyone is against me because I have matured quicker than them and they don't know how to handle it. I still don't see that mum but thanks for the help. Once I walked out of the school I walked home alone for the first time in a while. Maybe getting my hopes up about school life was the wrong idea. Heck, thinking of dating Elijah was defiantly the wrong idea. How could he have said that! He brought up the biggest part of my past. It was the worst part. The rumours. The lies. Jase started it. The best one had to be the one where I apparently fucked him in my house and I was pregnant. I don't even know how that started or how my year believed it. Half of the girls hadn't even started their periods. So what made them assume I had started mine to be pregnant?

So for Elijah to tell me all them lies, saying "baby let's make this work". Hell no, I'm done with his shit now. I have got to stay away. He is wrong for me. Time to forget all about him. I will not think, see or talk to him until September when I go back to school all better and as the new me. It's summer now. I think I'm going to make this summer matter. Time to make some great friends. Hopefully group will help me with that. Also, I have a great and supportive family.

I snap myself out of thought of my great new life I am planning to have (but I will probably fail, especially on this mission) when remembering I have 3 minutes to do a 20 minute walk to get my younger sister. Shit.

I'm glad the 'precautions' had stopped at home. I didn't have rules anymore and I was starting to get my mum back. I feel sorry for her in a way, must be hard dealing with the struggle of finding a job with the right hours, a husband who don't really do anything other than waste the electricity and work stupid hours but don't get paid enough, a young child and a teenager. Who is insane.

A week or so into the holidays my sister was out with a friend and my stepdad was working away. Answering a few of our prayers. Since I had no life and no friends I was home a lot which meant a lot of family time. Today's events included me and my mother watching movies. Like every other day. After watching 2 horrors, 3 Disney and a rom-com. She piped up with a chat a little harder to handle than our new small talk we would throw back and forth half of the time. I think the movies were a big help in the talking department. It helped us. Well actually it just meant we didn't have to talk much but I was okay with that.

"Annie, you are allowed friends over you know. Maybe you should see if any want to have a sleepover" oh well done Catherine you have amazed me again. Thanks for the giggle.

"I have no friends" I have a few, well one.

"Molly?" My mother suggests. Wow. Why is she being so persistent. I like being alone.

"She's on holiday and won't be back for 3 week" I miss Molly.

" what about the girls at your new group?"

HELL NO. These girls think I'm normal. They think I am cool. I am not bringing them into my life anymore for them to find out who I really am and to freak out. They like me and I don't want to ruin that. I realise I am not screwing my face up and making odd sounds as I think to myself. My mother gives me the weird look then I see the pain in her eyes. She wants me to be happy and live a normal life more than I do. So before going to protest out loud. I keep my thoughts as thoughts and just send my mother a smile and say "I'll ask on sunday" with today being Wednesday I had a few days to prepare myself with rejection. I don't like social interaction. Especially with my guard down. I want friends I really do. Even when I do act like I am so pessimistic and I hate the world.

I do hate the world but I love very little things in it. I love my family. My sister is my rock. I don't mean to sound cliché. It's true. One time.. This was recently actually. I had hurt myself again. My sister asked what the marks were.

"I got scratched by my friends cat" I lied. Which she knew because my only friend was Molly and Briney knew Molly didn't have a cat. She would ask every time she saw them. We shared a room so obviously she saw stuff even if I didn't want her too, it was inevitable. I was never allowed to lock any doors so getting changed was a mission that involved hiding a few marks here and there. I had used every excuse in the book. Some of them were so weird I didn't think she would believe them.

If she were any of the wiser she wouldn't have. I am happy she is so young and she don't understand. I like it that way. I could never see her go through all of this and I am going to make sure she never does.

I hated having to get up before 11 every Sunday for this theatre group thing but hey at least it's summer now so I can sleep in every other day for the remained of our 6week break. Which for my school had turnout to be 8 since they are rebuilding our school now. I was ready by 12 for my grandad to come and get me. We had to go and buy me dance shoes. I missed this shop. I hadn't done this kind of shopping for a while. Since ballet I think. And that was a few years back. I also had to be at group a little earlier than usual to go over a dance with one of the choreographers. My grandad is such a great man, he will always be my favourite person in the world. The entire morning we sang to elvis and joked around about all the people we saw walking around the street. We wasn't being rude. Well maybe a little but it made me laugh. He kept the hard topics off the table and just kept it at 'how you been?' Level. He gave me a few quid like always, gave me a smile, asked what time I had to be picked up and drove off.

After being dropped off and doing my early session I was already in my dance shoes and I didn't have to do warm up so I just sat for a bit listening to music and waited for Esme and Cassie to arrive. Just as they come in and start doing warm up I get a text from my mother.

"Remember to ask the girls about a sleepover, any day is fine. I love you xxx"

I send a quick reply.

"Yes mum, I will ask when we are free. I love you xxx"

I place my phone in my bag and decide to join in with warm up anyway. 3 finale run throughs and 2 new dances learnt and finally me and both the girls have a break. This is my chance to ask them. Oh wow here goes nothing. Or everything.

"Hey guys I was.. Umm.. Wondering..." Shit come on Annie you stuttering div. speak.

"Yeah?" Cassie says and Esme smiles.

"If you guys maybe want to umm have a sleepover at mine? You can say no" why am I so nervous? But I'm happy I said that no is an option. But to my surprise they both jump up very exited and say yes. Before I know it I had arranged to have them stay the next day.

Now that was off my mind and I could stop being so nervous and I spent the rest of the day happy. And wanted to go home to sort everything out for the upcoming day. As soon as I got home I found myself hiding anything that could give away my past once i got home. Along with aggressively cleaning my house. Oh, and my mother forcing me to eat. I don't know who was more surprised about the new information and events in my life. Me or my mum?

Her face was so happy when I told her I would be meeting two girls in the local shopping centre. Spending the day with them then they both would be staying. She then told me it would just be us and Timothy in the eventing as she would be going to a concert and Briney is at a friends house. Maybe the summer will be good. Me and my mum are going to be having fun tomorrow night for the first time in months. I fall asleep that night happy after messaging my new friends finalising any last details with my phone in my hand.