Bad habits

45 minutes of really awkward smiles

Finding the right way to tell the lady how i was feeling wasnt as hard as i thought considering it flew out of my mouth. talk about word vomit.

so here i am chritsmas eve on my way to a little park and feild to meet finn. i got him a present its nothing really just a tiny little teddy bear that is grey and blue and its reallly soft. i hope he likes it, if not i will take it home and snuggle with it.

i get here first and im sat on the freezing cold swing, which is freezing my jeans to my legs and my jeanes to the seat.

oh fuck and now i have to stand up and hug the boy walking towards me and my bum might be wet. someone remind me again why i love the winter so much.

45 minutes of really awkward smiles and small talk later it starts to rain so Finn says we should
'Go stand in the shelter'
Which is a great idea and im finally starting to dry off and feeling pretty okay when he finally says
'There is something I need to say'
Ouch. That's never good.

"Annie, look... I like you I do but it's just I have started talking to one of my ex's again and well I now have to choose between you two"
I could of responded with
'I understand, she's your ex. You should try again with her' and been nice. Or...
'Fuck her she's an ex for a reason. Start fresh with me' and been a bitch.

Which option did I pick?
Start slowly crying...
Then he hugs me and I just start to cry more. After a few moments pass, remembering this guy is like 8 inches taller than me, I pull back slightly and look up at him.

I don't mean for the next part to South like a rom-com or a re-enactment or Romeo and Juliet but it really was something very special. Well to me it was.

He wiped my tear from my cheek and one from under my chin and then kissed me, slowly and soft and patient.. I responded with the same gesture. Kissing him back and taking it all in. As since he had told me the words I do not wish to speak again and I have cried over a boy I have just inhabited feelings for, I do not love him yet but the thought of never having him or loosing what we was just starting hurt me too much.

Whilst tiptoeing to reach closer to him our kiss slightly deepened, I giggle slightly and feel him smile against my mouth. He then pulled back and looked at me no way anyone has ever looked at me.

He then looked like something has changed inside him, like in the cartoons when a lightbulb lights up. And he held both my hands and rested his forehead on mine and just simply said 'don't cry, you don't have anything to worry about'

I'm not sure if he was implying the situation in hand or in general because if he is speaking of in general then he is in for a treat once he gets to know me. If I ever let him or let anyone know what really goes on.

At the thought of being so open and exposed I feel myself shut down and close up as I pull away from him and to my fortune my phone rings at that exact moment.

*hello*
*hello Annie, honey you have to come home we have to go somewhere, it's in grandmother*

I don't even ask questions I just hang up and tell Finn I have to go, im on the next bus within minutes and I find myself holding his wrapped present in my hand as my only source of clarity..

I open in to fine the most adorable brown bear, it's soft and keeps me warm on my way home as I worry that maybe I'll never be okay again and maybe I'll never be able to trust and be open with anyone again.

Oh Finn, I do have things to worry about. I have so much to worry about and my biggest worry is it will all just get worse. But my darling, I wish your soft words were right. I wish I didn't have anything to worry about.