The Art of Loving

[56] Wie Es Geht

It was sunny in London, which was a harsh contrast to how Ellie was feeling. She wanted rain, a thunderstorm, or hail, something that gave her a reason to hide under layers of clothes and not show her face to anyone. She hadn't set a foot outside her flat for the past couple of days but today she had pushed herself to take a shower and put on some light make up, trying to cover up the fact that she still felt more than miserable. Miserable didn't even begin to describe how Ellie was feeling.

She used to think that the expression having your heart shattered was exaggerated, that you couldn't feel that way and people were just overly dramatic, but now... now she understood. She understood very well, her heart was shattered. It was a horrible feeling, but what made it even worse was knowing that this might have been avoidable if she set her priorities a little differently. She had thought about it so often these past days. Was she making the right choice? Was her job really more important to her than Brian? The answer was complicated, because no... no it wasn't. But at the same time it was. She was torn and it was horrible, it was like having to choose between food and drink. She needed both, but she couldn't have both her job and Brian, not if she wanted a happy relationship and a successful career in the long run. It was an impossible choice but it still had to be made. It had been made.

That's why she was where she was, on her way to Brian's flat. Her ex-boyfriend's flat. She hated how that sounded, but she had to keep going, it was almost as if she was on auto-pilot. Her emotions locked away, doing what she had to do. With a little bag in her hand, full of Brian's things, things he had kept at her place. Gathering them all had been pure torture, if Ellie was honest. But she didn't allow herself to think about that, because just looking at the bag in her hand already brought hot tears to her eyes again. This was horrible. This was easily the worst she had ever felt and it didn't seem like it was going to end soon.

This would probably be the last time she walked along these streets ever. She had no reason to return here after she had dropped off Brian's things at his place. She might feel the urge to return, but she couldn't let herself. That wouldn't help, it would only make it worse. It was so hard, knowing that this would be one of the last times she would be seeing him. No matter how much Ellie tried to distract herself, she couldn't. By the time she made it to Brian's flat, she had to wipe the corners of her eyes carefully before she could ring the doorbell. She had a key, but it felt wrong to use it.

There was no reply for a long moment, and when she could finally hear Brian's voice quietly through the speaker, asking who was there, only more tears fell.

"It's me, Brian...," she informed him quietly.

He fell silent for a moment before he pressed the buzzer, letting her in.

Ellie felt it getting harder and harder to breathe once she was inside. Not because the air was bad, or because she was out of breath, but because she was dreading what was about to come so much. She wanted to turn around, she wanted to leave this building and just sit down and cry, but she couldn't. She had to go through with this, no matter how much it hurt. And it physically hurt her. Something else she never thought was a real thing, and she wished she wouldn't have had to find out that breaking up with someone you love as much as she loved Brian physically hurt so much.

She forced herself to walk up the stairs, these so familiar stairs, one last time. It got harder and harder to closer she got to Brian's flat, but she made it, somehow, and when she could see him standing there in the open door, looking a little lost with his shoulders and head hanging, she had to stop for a moment and try to keep her tears under control. All she wanted was to tell him that she changed her mind about all this, but she knew he wouldn't let her. He knew how much she loved her job, he knew how unhappy she would be if she had to give it up to make the relationship work, and as much as she loved him, she also hated him a little for being so endlessly and absolutely supportive with everything she did because it led to this.