e v e r y t i m e (hs)

HIM

Author's Note: I literally stayed up till 2 am to write this. Yikes.

August 27, 2018. LOS ANGELES.

This was not what I expected. This wasn't the better I was hoping for. How could this be better?

"How can he be a co-chair? He hasn't even been to the Met Gala once!"

I looked to Ali who was on her phone.

"Ali" I called on her.

She looked up from her phone to me.

"What?" She asked me. "I was busy texting Christian"

I turned my laptop that sat on my lap towards her. She looked at the email's message, not having much of a reaction.

"And?" She asked me. "You can't do nothing about it. You agreed you would do it"

I closed my eyes, letting out a sigh.

"I didn't expect it to be him" I said out loud. "I expected it to be someone else"

"You mean, you didn't expect meeting Harry again?" Ali said.

I opened my eyes, looking to her.

"What?" I asked her.

"Y/N, he's the face of Gucci" Ali said. "If Gucci is sponsoring it, it was obvious he was a candidate to cohost. You're just mad because now you have to face seeing him again"

I closed down my laptop, setting it on the couch. I stretched my legs out, touching Jack. Jack stood up, walking over to me. He waved his tail as he decided to lay down by my side.

Ali did have a point. The whole reason I didn't want to go backstage to Harry's concert a few months ago was because a part of me was afraid of his reaction. I did want to see him again, but I didn't know how. I didn't know how to explain to him that I stopped talking to him because I was processing a traumatic experience. How was I going to say that without causing him to worry and ask me what happened when I wasn't ready to share? It took me months for me to process it all and I'm still continuing to heal. I couldn't tell him that.

"How am I supposed to tell him?" I asked, looking to Ali. "How do I tell him that I secretly had a miscarriage that made me distant myself from everyone? How?"

Ali placed her phone down.

"I don't know" She said. "I don't know how you even told me. You told me day after it happened"

I felt my eyes begin to tear up. I crossed my arms, trying to get a hold of myself. I forced myself to smile as I remembered the image of Ali sitting on the side of the hospital bed. I remember the feeling of panic and helplessness when I felt pain below my stomach and seeing blood drip down my leg. I keep remembering it all when all I do is try to push forward and forget it.

"I think he would understand" Ali said.

I looked down at Jack.

"You think?" I asked her, being uncertain. "It's been a year since I last talked to him"

Ali stayed silent. I looked to her, seeing she had no response. She was stuck like me.

"I do owe him the truth" I told Ali. "This was different like last time"

"Because you had a reason to be mad at him" Ali said, looking at me. "You don't have to tell him you're not ready but-"

"I would want to know" I said, cutting her off. "I wanted to know when he stopped talking to me

"Yeah, two years after" Ali commented.

I bit my bottom lip, trying to figure out what I should do. If I do tell him, I'll end up crying in front of him. If I don't, I'll be crying at the Met Gala for the world to see. It was better to do it now than then.