e v e r y t i m e (hs)

THE ARCHER

July 12, 2019.

It's been three days. It's been three days since Adam broke up with me and I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell Ali or Isabella. Both were too busy and I didn't get the chance. I didn't tell any of my band members as I didn't feel like they would understand. I knew deep down they would but I couldn't. Honestly, this whole situation seemed too surreal. I knew there was much more to what Adam said. I knew this had nothing to do with Luka's privacy. It never did.

Adam was lying to me. Why else would Adam want to break up with me? He liked me in the beginning, so what else would change his mind? He said himself he imagined having a life with me. I imagined having a life with him too. What reason would change his mind? Nothing changed mine.

"Yes Emily" I heard Aaron say. "I promise I'll make it tonight"

I turned to Aaron. He was on the phone.

"I know I was late last time" He said. "The traffic was crazy . . .Crazier than usual. But I promise I'll leave extra early to make it to tonight"

Aaron chuckled into his phone. He looked . . . in love.

"Yes, and I'll stop and get flowers for your parents" Aaron said. "Which one's are your mom's favorite?"

Parents. It was that serious between them. I only introduced my exes to my parents when I thought it was serious. Serious as in I could imagine living a life with them. Going on random walks together. Cooking something neither knew how to make. Doing laundry together. Accidentally pushing the other out the bed. Staying bed all day. Buying and decorating a home. Having kids.

Having kids. I almost had that. I almost had it all with Felix. I could have had a second chance with Adam. I could have had everything with Adam.

"I know, I know" Aaron said. "I love you too. I have to go"

My heart throbbed from hearing him say that.

"Yeah, I'll see you soon" Aaron said. "I love you. Bye"

Aaron ended his call. I looked down.

Adam loved me. At least I thought he did. I thought he loved me. He had to a little bit if he wanted to be with me. Who wouldn't love me? I am me. I'm fun but knew when to take life seriously. I'm very understanding, never causing a scene or demanding an explanation when someone cancelled plans on me. I never forced anyone to do anything that made them uncomfortable. I'm intensely loyal. So fucking loyal that I was ready to defend whoever I loved from horrible accusations. Apparently Adam didn't care about any of that except my childish and provocative statements. I didn't think they were provocative. Maybe that shoot I did for Paper Magazine showed too much skin for some people but at least I wasn't naked. That whole photoshoot was supposed to be ironic. And my lip sync battle outfit was just for show. It was a damn show.

I guess I did have to blame myself for some of it. I knew my album was going to be controversial with the songs Savages and Buzzcut Season. Everyone told me I would receive political backlash from it but shouldn't focus on it. I knew so too. But I did it because I wanted to bring change and shine more light on more serious issues. I knew that some people would be offended but I never imagined it would take a toll on my relationships.

"I don't mind dating him because he has a kid"

"Then, why are you acting like it is?"

"Because I don't think anyone with kids would want to date me"

That night. That night Harry and I hung out after the Met Gala. I was right. About Adam. I was right about him. I predicted the end of us.

"I have an ice hockey, a pool table and two arcade games in my living room. I'm like a grown up child"

"Sorry . . . I don't see why to be worried about Adam. Why would he ask you out if he didn't think you were good enough?"

"Other than wanting to hook up with me?"

Shit, I was right. Adam only wanted me to use me. Why would someone with a kid want to date me? He only wanted to use me.

"Y/N"

Adam never loved me. I was a toy to him. Someone who he could have on his arm to flash to others. To his business partners that he was able to afford his way in my world.

"Y/N"

To his ex-wife to show he found someone better than her. To him, to make himself feel better about himself. He used me.

"Y/N" Billie nudged me, taking me back to the real world.

I looked up to her, clueless. Billie raised her eyebrows at me.

"You okay?" Billie asked. "Are you ready to start?"

I looked down.

"I, uh-" I tried to speak, trying to adjust back to reality. "Yeah, I'm ready"

"You're sure?" Billie asked. "Your eyes are red"

And watery. I was on the edge of crying and I didn't notice.

"Umm, I'm just sick" I lied. "I got a tiny cold"

I hopped off the edge of the stage.

"I need the bathroom" I said to Billie. "I'll be back in five"

I ran off without caring about Billie's response. I rushed past crew members and darted to backstage. I entered the band's room. I closed the door behind me. I leaned against the door, closing my eyes as I tried to hold back my tears.

Adam used me. He used me and I let him use me. I shouldn't have listened to Harry and-

"Y/N?" I heard Ashton call my name. "Are you okay, Y/N?"

No, it couldn't be. I thought the room would be empty. Ashton couldn't be here.

I opened my eyes and turned away from the door. Ashton was sitting down on one of the sofas.

I forced myself to smile, my first instinct trying to pretend.

"Oh, I'm fine" I told him. "I just am-"

My lips trembled. I wasn't fine. No one who was fine runs in here with tears in their eyes and pretends everything is fine. I wasn't and I couldn't pretend any longer.

"Actually, no I'm not fine" I cried, burying my face in my hands. "I'm so tired Ashton, of all these responsibilities, of having to put up a front. I could never be who I am truly"

I felt Ashton's arms wrap around my body in less of a second. I leaned into him, clinging to any comfort there was to stop my pain.

"I'm so sick of it" I cried. "I'm sick of pretending I'm fine to make everyone happy. I'm so tired of not being myself. I'm so tired of everyone using me"

I was exhausted. Exhausted to the point I felt I was carrying the whole world on my back. Ever since I became famous, all I had to do was pretend. Pretend I was someone else than who I truly was. Pretend I was happy when I wasn't. Pretend there was nothing wrong while I was forced into situations. Pretend because it was the right thing to do. Pretend, pretend and pretend. I didn't want to pretend anymore. This whole year I have been trying to be true. Expressing myself through music. Choosing to be half naked in photoshoots. Sharing my miscarriage to the world. I thought people would accept me as I am but they didn't. Adam didn't.

Ashton hugged me tighter.

"It's okay, Y/N" Ashton said. "You can tell me everything or nothing if you want. You can be yourself with me. Just yourself"