shaded wings

snow

my car reared onto the pavement

and i had to bite down

so hard

to keep my hands steady

and my eyes open

just so i wouldn't hit

that god dammed willow

we sat in

on our last picnic.

i didn't even think

about my own life

and what could have happened to me

if i had kept my foot on the accelerator

for any longer.

just him.

just the memories of the picnic.

just him and the blaring sirens and the lake.

the lake.

that's where the paramedics

told me you had been.

a flashback seeped into my skull

into my brain

into recognition.

the day we splashed around

in death's swimming pool

even though you couldn't swim.

hayden.

you're an idiot.

but please

for the love of you

don't go.

and beside the havoc

and their need to talk to me

i sat down

and hugged my knees to my chest.

a slice of paper flittered to my feet

and i pinned it down with my toes.

• this what he was trying to retrieve. •

they said;

but i barely even heard them

as i stared unblinking at the paper.

the photograph was blurred and smudged

from the water and my tears;

but i could see her eyes

traveling off in the distance.

and at first i thought the photograph

was a picture of a random girl

or tiffany

or hayden's mum

but then i saw her hair;

her fly-aways and her imperfections

and i realised something.

they belonged to

m e.