The Demon I Let Ruin Me

SIXTEEN

I stare at the casket, trying to tell myself that the person in there isn't Edward. It's someone else entirely. I don't know that person. And maybe I don't. I don't know the Edward that died. I know the Edward that loved me. Truly. Even if he didn't.

As Anne talks about how she loved her son, even with all his flaws, Harry sitting next to me. Holding my hand, I can't help but to cry.
It's been 5 days since he passed and 6 since he broke my heart and nothing has changed. I'm still completely lost and Harry is still picking up the pieces that Edward broke.
I know Harry is doing it because he feels terrible for me and I hope he doesn't leave my side. I need him with me. He's the only thing that gives me hope that I can have a life after Edward.
With his hand pressed firmly against mine, I feel okay. At this funeral for a man that I loved, I feel okay.
Until Anne says my name and I freeze. Am I suppose to speak? What will I say? That I loved him but he broke my heart? And then he died the next day? I suppose Anne didn't know about our breakup and if she did, she didn't know the severity of it.

"Can you come with?" I ask Harry and nods. We head up to the front. I stand at the podium, looking at a sea of faces I don't know and decide to speak from my heart, the best I can.

"Edward was...the best thing that ever happened to me. We didn't know each other for long, I wish we had." I begin to cry. "I didn't get much time with but I'm so happy I got to be apart of his life. There was a point, in which he said he'd love me forever and in a way he did." I pause, looking the ceiling, trying to catch my breath. "He loved me with as much as time as we had together. I'm so happy that I can say I knew him. At all." I shake my head, trying my best to keep my composure but this is to much for me. "I'm sorry."
I gasp and run off the stage. Harry follows after me, outside and into the rain.

"I can't...I can't stand up there and pretend any of that was true." I cry, looking at him. My black dress gets soaked with water but I don't care. It wake me up and proves to me that I am able to feel something. "I can't do this...I can't get over him." I gasp for air. I grab my chest, trying to gain some air and Harry is at my side.

"Just breath. We don't have to go back in." He tells me and I nod. "You can get over him and you will." He helps me to his car and we drive back to my apartment. I shiver at the cold water on my body and Harry acknowledges it. He turns his air on and I take comfort in the warm air. The drive is silent and I don't know if like it. I've found that when I'm alone with my thoughts I have too many questions.

When we get to my apartment we go inside and I shiver once more. I need a shower. I'm feeling better now that I'm not there anymore. I tried to be okay but it was all too much.

"I need a shower." I tell him and go to the bathroom. He follows, recently I've asked him to always be in the bathroom with me for showers because I'm too afraid of what I will do when I'm alone.
When I'm undressed, I can see Harry looking my body over but it's not sexual. It's to observe.

"When's the last time you ate?" He questions. I haven't. Every time I put food in front of myself, I can't get myself to eat it. Anytime I force myself, it comes back up.

"McKayla." He sighs. "You have to eat." He orders and I nod. I know I do, it's just something I haven't gotten down yet. I can sleep for 5 hours at a time now and I don't lay in bed anymore. So I'm getting somewhere. I even went to work the other day, grant it, I spoke to no one and when Alex was told that Edward passed, she was upset but not as much as I am. No one seems to be as upset as me but he had a greater impact on me.

"Look." He sighs and turns me to see my body. I look awful. I look like a zombie. I've definitely lost a few pounds and my eyes are red and sunk in. This is the girl who got told she was unloved by a person she loved more than anything. And then told the next day that, that person was no longer on earth. This girl has been through too much in the past week and she needs a break. I slip my dress back on, uncomfortable with how I look.

"I know." I turn to face him. "I...I..." I stop. I don't know what I was gunna say. That I know that I look bad and that I need to hold down some food. That Edward dying and hurting me isn't the end of the world and that eventually I'll be okay again? I know all of this and I'm tired. So tired of hearing it. I want to cry but I have no tears left. I'm tired of crying.
"I need a break." I groan and sit down on the toilet. "I want to just forget about all of it and I can't."

"I know baby. I know." He says for the 50th time.

"Do you know?" I ask, angry. "Do you know that I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I'm drowning in all of this. I can't handle this anymore. I just want it all to go away. Everything." I explain loudly.

"Me?" He asks and I stop.

"No." I cry, grabbing his hand. "Not you. Never you. Please." I plead and he soothes me by rubbing his hand over mine.

"I'm here until you tell me not to be anymore." He admits and I nod. "Let's get you in the shower." He smiles and I feel warm next to him. I look at him as he adjusts the water. He looks back at me and before I can even stop myself, I kiss him. This. This is exactly what I needed. This is the distraction that I crave. It's probably the worst distraction ever but it's working now. He kisses me back. I press into him, harder. I love the way he tastes. I wrap my arms around his neck and push against him. He loses his balances and grabs me as he falls back and into the shower, the warm water covering us and I just laugh. I laugh, genuinely and a lot for the first time in a long time. Harry laughs too and I find my happiness in it.

"You're beautiful when you smile...you're beautiful no matter what but I've missed your smile." He beams as he shuts the water off.

"I've missed it too." I admit. I really have. Im tired of being stuck in my depressed state and actually being happy for a moment give me relief. He presses another kiss to my lips and pulls himself out of the bathtub and then helps me.

"Were bout soaked." He sighs, observing his clothes and I nod.

"I don't have any clothes for you to wear but I'd be happy to put yours in the dryer.

"What I wear while I'm waiting?" He asks. I ponder the question and remember that Edward left a pair of sweatpants here a while back. The only thing I have left of him. Am I really about to tarnish his memory? I have to. Harry needs clothes and his memory was tarnished the day he hurt me. I refuse to let the thought consume me and I grab them from a pile of clothes I haven't got to. It's so unlike me to not keep my place clean but with work and school, Edward had taken all my free time. Which reminds me, fall break ends in 2 days. I have to go back on Monday. I don't know if I'm ready for that.
I push the thoughts away and hand Harry the pants.

"This is all I have." I tell him as I hand them the baggy gray pants. "It's lucky you two are the same size." He nods and takes them.

"It's a wonder how you can look at me and not see him." he points out and I agree.

"You two may look a like but you're no where near the same as him." I explain. "I can see it in your eyes how different you two are." They are very different people, despite looking practically identical. Harry has a calm to him that Edward didn't. I feel safer with Harry and at peace.

When Harry and I changed in to warm clothes. Me in a pair of pjs and him in just his brothers pants, were both drinking hot coco to sooth our cold bodies. We decide that since thanksgiving is over it's a good idea to watch a Christmas movie. We decide on Elf and we cuddle as we watch it and I enjoy everything. The warm of Harry, how comfortable I feel being near him
and just the time with him that isn't spent of me crying or him taking care of me.

I fall asleep before the movie ends and wake up when I feel Harry taking me to my bed.

"Stay with me?" I ask as I look at him. He looks amazing even in the dark of my bedroom.

"Where else am I gunna go?" He asks and climbs into bed with me, pulling my body close to his. I hum in happiness and fall asleep.