I've Got You | On My Block (fanfic)

Chapter 42: Without Him

It's been exactly 15 days since Cesar left. 360 hours since his lips were on mine. 21600 minutes since he held me in his arms. 1296000 seconds since I heard him say I love you.

I didn't realise that the pain of missing him would be this bad. I don't feel like eating much,  I cry all the time and I hardly sleep.  It's the not knowing that is killing me, not knowing where he is if he's okay and when he'll be coming back. It wouldn't be so bad if I could talk to him on the phone or even text him, but they won't let him have his phone, something to do about tracking the signal. I lay awake at night, thinking the worse! What if it was the Prophets that attacked Oscar, and now we're in the middle of a big gang war. Cesar would be a prime target on their list, even if he's no longer a Santo, he's Oscar's brother and his weakest link. It feels like we're 14 again when the Santo's and Prophets were at war, and I spent days in bed thinking Cesar was dead. I guess this time it's different, but it doesn't stop the constant worry and pain of missing him.

I had hoped that once Cesar left the Santos, that would be the end of any gang-related drama, and we did have a good few years of Santos free issues. But who was I kidding, we would never be rid of the gang shit, not as long as Oscar is still the leader. Our only chance would be to leave Freeridge, get out of Los Angeles, but that would mean leaving my dad, Jamal, Ruby, Olivia and everyone else we love.  l rest my hand bump and it quickly drags me out of my thoughts and reminds me, it's not just about Cesar and me anymore.

It really won't be long before I can't hide my bump anymore, then word will spread like wildfire that I'm pregnant, and it won't take a genius to work out that Cesar is the father. I will be a target then too, and as Cesar said back at the hospital, "then it's end game"!  Would they really come after me? They wouldn't hurt a pregnant girl, would they? What if another full-blown war gang war erupts, and Cesar isn't allowed to come back for months!?!  According to Dr Michaels, I've got two and a half months before they are born and what if Cesar isn't back in time for their birth!! What if he never comes back at all, what if I end up being a single mom! I drop the books I'm holding, sit on the floor of the library and lean against the bookshelves. I put my hand in the front pocket of Cesar's hoodie I'm wearing and secretly rub my bump, as I give in to the tears.

"Monsé?" A voice pulls me from my thoughts, I can hear them call me, but don't respond or move from my spot between the books. Over the last few days, I had taken sanctuary in the library, it was the only place I had peace, where I could be with my own thoughts and away from everyone's pity stares. Cesar had told Ruby and Jamal what was going on before he left, and Liv knew now too. They were all sworn to secrecy and they would never say a word to anyone. Jamal and Ruby even helped with Cesar's cover story, that he had gone to visit his sick Grandmother in Mexico.

They had all been great, making sure I had everything, but every now and then they would look at me with such pity in their eyes. That was the last thing I wanted, for anyone to feel sorry for me, poor Monsé pregnant with twins and her boyfriend has been whisked away in a hood style witness protection program. And there was no clear answer as to when he would be back, and what if he didn't come back before the twins were born! I knew that's what they were all thinking because I had been thinking it too.

"Monsé?" The voice calls my name again softly,  I look up and see Jasmine standing between the bookshelves. "You okay?" Her voice is sweet and sincere, a complete contrast to her usual loud and obnoxious behaviour,  she puts her book-bag down and sits next to me on the floor, putting my fallen books into a neat pile. I hate people seeing me cry, so I turn my face away from her I quickly wipe my damp face with the sleeve of the hoody, "Yeah I'm fine," I tell her, as I stand up hastily, only to feel an uncomfortable tightening pain across my abdomen. "Oww," I cry as I brace against the bookshelf, "what is it? Monsé what's wrong?" Jasmine questions as she gets up quickly and stands next to me, "Oh God no! Please not now...not now," I say quietly to myself. I squeeze my eyes shut, willing the pain to go away, as I put my hand up the hoody to rub my bump. "FUCK! You're pregnant?!" She says the last part quietly. I dare not open my eyes to look at her, knowing that she has worked out my secret, but at this moment I don't care who knows, because all I want is this pain to go away. "Shit are you having contractions?" She asks as she moves slightly closer to me, "no...I can't be...it's too soon..." I tell her through my sobs. "Okay, okay just breath through it, in through the nose, out through the mouth," Jasmine tells me quietly, as she rubs my back slowly.