CHAPTER FORTY

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Ever since I was 16, anxiety has been my number one enemy. The slightest horrific memory would send me to a whirlpool of darkness and suffocation. I'd get lucky if I could escape it before I get eaten up.

Just because I haven't been there for a while, doesn't mean its gone. Ive spent year trying to remake myself but as I remake myself, my anxiety gets worse. It would come in the most unexpected Time.

What can I say? My past is as troubled as any other.

Its fair to say I'm relieved I hadn't had an anxiety attack for months now. That's something I'm proud and thankful about. But as I sat on Milly's bed, waiting for Milly to come out of the bathroom is the same anxious feeling I get when I used to step on a football field.

My heart skipped a beat when the bathroom door opens. "Umm, you're already late for work." she reminds me.

"I gave a message to the reception. What does it say?" I ask her. I'm practically leaning on the edge of the bed. She holds up the tests and gives me a look.

"two are positive so... You know what that means." she says with a worried look.

I take a deep breath. That fact kept circling my head for a while. It might be like that in a few days. It never crosse my mind that what I called 'hangover' could have been morning sickness.

"Oh my god," I say as the realisation crossed my mind. "I've been drinking." I say in panic.

"Oh, that might be a problem." she says worriedly but unsurely at the same time.

"You think so?" I reply sarcastically. She bites her lip nervously and puts the tests on the drawer.

"we can just go to a clinic right now and find out... To be sure."

I shake my head. "This is such a bad timing" I murmur.

"When are you planning to tell him?"

That's the same question I'm asking myself. It would be wrong if I keep it from him. I wouldn't know if it would make things right between us or it would make it worse. Same time, I don't want to use the baby to bait him in forgiving me or the other way around.

"I don't know what to do..." I tell her.

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If I kill or damage my own child, I'd never forgive myself for that. Not to mention the timing is unacceptable. Add 'telling Louis he's going to be a father' to the list of problems at the moment.

"It's too early, sweetheart." the doctor says with a smile, "you don't need to worry. Usually, it doesn't take effect unless you drink when it's later. Just don't do it again, don't skip meals, get plenty of rest everyday and take your vitamins"

She tears a page from her pad and hand it to me. Her secretary gave me the medications that I have to take after lunch and before bed time. Apparently, I'm still forced to eat because I can't take any of these vitamins unless I've eaten.

Well at least one problem is crossed off my list. After the sudden appointment, Milly and I went to work. It was only 8:30 but I called in 9:00 so I guess I'm safe... For now.

When I get in the building, the first place I went to was Yvette's desk. She hands me a folder but not for me, for Oliver so I head to the computer room. He's just sitting on his desk. When he sees me, he furrows his eyebrows and got up.

"you look horrid!" he exclaims. I roll my eyes and hand him the folder. He gets distracted right away and went to do his work while I do mine.

"why are you late anyway?" he asks without takin his eyes off the monitor.

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