Rhysand's Sister Isn't Dead - discont'd

eighteen

Chapter 18: Move On

"I believe everything happens for a reason. Whether it is decided by the Mother, or the Cauldron, or some sort of tapestry of Fate, I don't know. I don't really care. But I am grateful for it, whatever it is. Grateful that it brought you all into my life."

Rhysand, A Court of Wings and Ruin

...

Eralyn's POV

I wanted solitude, but low and behold, the two people I really didn't feel like talking to, came knocking at my door. I was dreading this talk most of all, of course, the one that was building up to occur with Rhysand was probably soon after on that list, but these two... their talk was first.

I had a different relationship with them. Sure, Rhys was my blood brother, but after a certain point in his life, he was forced to dedicate his time to the Night Court as our father demanded. Cassian always came to the rescue if I was lonely. Sometimes, I even wondered if he had a job because he had so much damn free time. We had a lot of adventures together, full of flying and feeling the wind on my face. It's been almost 500 years, but the thought of never being able to fly again still brings tears to my eyes, however, I sure as hell wasn't going to cry in front of them.

Azriel hurts the most to face. We had a connection that was both important to him and me, but I think him more so. The pain and pity, not even mentioning the hurt, when he looks at me always washes me over with so much I have to swallow my vomit so I don't look like a fool. He should know, of all the people in this damn world, how much I loathe those pitying looks, yet there he was, just giving it to me.

I bet he suffered more. I bet they all suffered together.

I suffered alone.

I think my eyes became distant because theirs did too. Cassian staggered at step towards me, and I took a hesitant one back.

But Azriel was too determined and before I could deal with the situation myself, he stopped me with his stone hard voice, "Eralyn. Stop running away."

I couldn't stop the widening in my eyes and before I knew it, Cassian shoved himself in my arms and to avoid the drink spilling, I put it down and hesitantly hugged him back. I then looked toward Azriel who was still staring at me as something I couldn't quite identify simmered in his eyes, so I simply stared back. Cassian remained in my arms and I neither held him closer nor further.

It stayed that way for what seemed like forever as we all just drank in the vulnerable versions of ourselves.

To be honest, I don't know how.

I don't know how to make everything normal again. Not even that, I don't even know how to make everything less awkward. I missed so much and grew so much without them that just being around them, in general, makes me stick out like a sore thumb.

Sure, its a dream come true to see each other again, but weren't we all happy? I mean, yes, I'm pretty sure they hadn't forgotten about me as I hadn't forgotten about them, but to a certain degree, we all moved on.

Rhysand became High Lord.

Azriel became Spymaster.

Cassian became General.

Mor overcame her parents, even if it was just a little.

Velaris prospered.

And the world kept functioning!

With me being here, I stopped that flow and caused all of us to plummet into the past. We were fine where we were. I was fine where I was and although this land is about to go to war, the time before Amarantha was tense, but calm all the same.

Maybe I really do have self-loathing issues, I thought to myself as I fought the urge to smack myself for letting Fenrys get into my head yet again. I really missed them, especially him.

"What do you want me to say," I questioned quietly. "What can I say to fix this, to make this the way it was?" I slowly dragged my eyes up to Azriel's and Cassian released out of the embrace to look at me with worried eyes.

Azriel furrowed his brows, "You can't-"

"Exactly-"

"And we're not asking you to," Azriel cut me off. "We're not asking you to fix anything or do anything, but you have to understand that for five hundred years, we thought you were dead. Irreversibly, inevitably dead."

Cassian picked up, "Do you know what that was like for us, your brothers? The people who watched you grow? You probably don't know the pain we carried secretly for five hundred years because you knew we were alive. Sure, we may have moved on because of the duty that we have to Velaris and the Night Court, but it doesn't mean we didn't carry that pain on our shoulders along with everything else. We're not blaming you for anything, and we know that you have a right to make your own decisions, so let us make ours. It'll take us some time to completely wrap it around our heads that you're actually alive, just like it's taking us quite a while to fight all of our demons, in our heads and on the battlefield."

I bit my lip. I guess I was a bit guilty but... "You said you moved on. I didn't find out I could even come back her until four hundred years ago. Yes, we are immortals, but me, bringing back memories one hundred years after it happened, is like ripping old wounds that have healed."

"But we didn't heal," Cassian exclaimed.

"But you did!" I sighed and resisted banging my head against the wall. I didn't even know what to think anymore. I looked at my two brothers who were more than ready to say I was wrong when I said, "Just because you healed doesn't mean the scar doesn't remain. It's fine, really. You're allowed to move on, to breathe. So do it. I came back, so we'll make new memories make up for what we lost and do what we haven't." I sighed again and looked down, pinching the middle of my brow. "I understand what you're going through... but I've been through some things and- it's just easier not to dwell in the past, for all of us." I looked back at them and saw that both of their faces softened.

Cassian, ever the person that he is, clapped me on the back before saying, "I think that'll work for us." His smile was the brightest I've seen. Both of us looked toward Azriel who seemed to be in war with himself. I shook my head at him. We'll talk later, I said into his head.

Talk about what? I had no idea, but these males seemed like they wouldn't leave me alone for a while and with the visit to the Court of Nightmare looming overhead, I knew I had to do whatever it took to keep them in the right mind.

Azriel seemed to be satisfied and joined us and all of us shared a hug long overdue.

Welcome home.

I just couldn't stop smiling during that hug.