Poems for the Lost

I Am Stressed

I stare into the abyss
Waiting to capture that fleeting flash
Of something better
I know I'm looking down
That the sun is on my shoulders
But to look up would require effort
Effort I have already put forth
God I am so tired
But you say I can not rest
Not yet
And I know if I look up I will be happier
But I'm scared to turn my back on that abyss
That it will snatch me up and drag me back
Into that dark place
My heart beats faster as I turn my head once more
To look at the sun
But I am weary and tired
So I lay back down by the abyss
My chin on the back of my hands
Palms pressed firmly into the dust
And I watch the swirling darkness
As memories resurface
Then plunge back down
Each time my heart seizes
And pain fills my chest
I need to get up but the pain keeps me there
Foreign words drift through my mind
Sounding as if they were once familiar
School... Work... Chores... Brothers... Sleep...
I knew these things once...
More words flash into my mind
And more painful shadows emerge from the pit
I roll onto my back and stare up
Not at the light
But off to the side
Just enough I can still catch glimpses
Of the shadows beside me
I am silent
As I have been for some time now
But then words drag their way out of my throat and claw past my lips
"I refuse to see the shadows
And refuse to see the light.
I am doomed to be lost forever
In the everlasting night.
I refuse to change my ways
Because fear consumes my heart.
I refuse to be the same
As consistency never quite got it's start.
I'll lose myself in poems
Books
Words
And art.
I need something, anything
To set me apart.
I thought I was doing so good
But the anxieties caught up again
I'm dissociating, becoming numb
I want a friend to understand.
I'll be okay this time.
I'll stand for one last fight."
I get to my feet again
The shadows scratch at my skin
They wrap around my neck
And squeeze oh so tight
And I'm choking, I am strangled
As I squint towards the light.