Her Diary

2/8/13

Dear Diary,

Today was the worst day of my life. Remember when I told you the convincing him five times a week of tutoring would be the hard part? I thought wrong. Let me just tell you what went down after school.

The last bell of the day rang, teachers told their students to have a happy, safe weekend. All the students rushed out, including me. But I had a different purpose than them. I rushed out because I couldn't wait to get Mr. Traineer's signature and permission.

I walked past the other portables and in the door to the D Pod, also known as math pod. Across from that, would be the B pod which is where the science classes are in. As I walked -no, I skipped- to his class, I bumped into Ms. Clifford. Even though I do not have her as a teacher this year, I had her last year and we've gotten pretty close.

We chatted while she and I walked to her class. Well, I was walking to the class next door, but same thing. Anyways, when we did get to her door, I told her, "Ms. Clifford! I'm going to be in your class!" I guess I screeched it too loud because he heard. He was behind me all this time and I didn't even know.

"Oh? Since when?" I pretty much froze then. Him being more than 6ft tall and me being just barely making it to 5 flat, he pretty much towered over me.

"Uh, hi, Traineer. I was actually gonna talk to you about that." I was a nervous wreck! I was fiddling with the tips of my hair, chewing on my bottom lip.

"Oh. Well, I guess you're still in my class then, huh? Unless you've got a good excuse." I just stood there frozen, craning my neck to look at his face. It was odd seeing him that way, actually. He looked very serious and even when he's teaching, he never had that face on. It was scary (and hot).

I looked behind me to only find that Ms. Clifford has already walked in her class. He cleared his throat, scaring me even more.

"In my class. Now. We shall talk about this." He walked passed me and in his classroom. Terrified was an understatement. The paper in my hand was shaking, it was making a sound.

"Uh, so uh, Mrs. Pickett told me to ask you if I can come by after school every dayfor tutoring." I bit my lip, not meeting his eyes. I'm too scared.

"Sure." He agreed so easily! I didn't even have to beg for it! I was planning that if he really wouldn't budge, I would get on my knees and beg. Okay, maybe not get down on my knees, but definitely beg. I decided to meet his eyes.

"Oh. Well that was easy," I mumbled to myself. I guess he heard 'cause his chuckle filled the empty classroom, echoing. "Oh, yeah. Would you please sign this too? Cause... yeah," I said, placing the small pink paper on his desk.

Traineer's eyes scanned over it for a second before placing it down on his desk. I was ready. This was it. This is when I'd finally be free from him and these feelings. I would finally be free.

"No." At first that word didn't register because I was so convince that he would say yes.

"Oh my gosh! Thank you! Tha- What?" That's when 'no' registered to me. Why? Why a no? Why can't he let me go? It's not like I was anyone important in his class. I wasn't the class clown. I was not one of the populars. I'm just that kid who barely talked to her friends in class. I did everything. I did not stand out at all.

"I said no. Why do you want to get out of my class?" Because I love you.

"Just cause,” I croaked. He eyed me suspiciously.

"No. What is it? I want to be the best teacher I can be and if you tell me what's making me so bad that you want to switch out, then I can learn from it and we'll have the rest of the year go superb." You do not love me, that’s what's wrong.

"Your class is just too loud." Lies. Lies. Lies.

"My third period is pretty quiet. We can switch you there." Why is this so hard? Can't he just take the hint?

"It's not just that." His left brow rose. Tears were threatening to spill. I'm forcing them to stay back. Cry when you get home. Not here. Not now. Not in front of him, I chanted mentally.

"Then what?" I just shrug, I looked down. I can't do this.

"Madison, tell me. I want to use this as a teaching tool okay?" He poked my arm, putting a finger under my chin.

I removed his hand and murmured, "There's nothing wrong. You're a perfect teacher."

"Just tell me." I love you.

"Just please let me go." Let me go. Let me leave this class. Let me have the chance of moving on. Just let me leave.

"C'mon, Madison! Please tell me? There's got to be a problem with my teaching if you want to leave! Please? Madison, it's only my first year teaching and I really do want to learn from my students. Just tell me. Please? Tell me and I'll let you leave." And that's when I said something I'd regret forever.

"You're perfect, that's why! That's why I cannot stay in your class anymore because you're utterly perfect!" Now, I was crying. All the emotions I've kept all these months, they just spilled out. "You're so perfect, I fell in love with you," I whispered, my voice cracking.

Besides my weeps, there was an eerie silence. Diary, why am I so stupid? How could I just do that? How could I ruin everything like that?

I thought the silence would never end until I heard pen swifting on a piece of paper. He placed the slip on my hand.

"I'm letting you go."