The Journals of Wade Dillans: The Four Seasons of August

August 5

August 5, 1999 (3:00 AM)

I can't sleep. I've been trying to sleep for about half an hour now but I still can't sleep; It's like I did something wrong. I don't remember doing anything bad yesterday or even the past week.  I'm gonna have to try to sleep because I need the energy for tomorrow.

~End of Log

August 5, 1999 (7:00 AM)

I couldn't sleep. I was awake since three in the morning. The sun has already risen up about an hour ago. I would love to try to sleep again but I don't have the time because of school. I gotta get up now.

~End of Log

August 5, 1999 (11:30 AM)

I feel guilty as hell! I just realized that I did something horrible when mom told me what happened to Alice; When she ran away yesterday she was gone for hours and this morning she was found in the middle of the road with blood dripping from her forehead and her legs. They say that she was hit by a car in the middle of the night. She's still alive but barely, they said. I can't stand this! My guilt will shatter me to pieces. I have to visit her! I did try to cut classes to go to the hospital and visit her but Mr. Roffer caught me on the way out.

This is just so depressing. Jed isn't here because of the incident yesterday that's why his parents won't let him out the house. I feel guilty because of what happened to Alice. I feel nothing in school but the sadness of being alone and the guilt of being the cause of Jed and Alice's misfortune.

After school I plan to visit Alice first, then I'll continue on to Jed's house.

~End of Log

August 5, 1999 (4:30 PM)

It's been a sad day for me. I never felt this alone in my life since when I was a little kid. Alice is in the intensive care unit. Me, her mother and her dad are just outside observing her through the glass panel from the observing area as if she was an exhibit in a museum. She's lying still as if she was just sleeping on her bed or something; But we all know that she isn't just sleeping. She's in a coma. All those machines that are attached to her is the only thing keeping her alive, for now.

Like Alice, her mom and her dad isn't okay. I can see her mom, tired because of crying all night. I don't think she can cry anymore though; Meanwhile Alice's dad has this serious look -A look that he probably had all night. 

In this situation I think I should stay a little longer and help her parents take care of her, just to save me from my guilt.

~End of Log

August 5, 1999 (5:30 PM)

I'm getting bored. I know that this is a terrible time to get bored but I really have to do something. I think I should write about something about myself or about anything I could think of.

I was late, not in school or anything, but in the latest trends. I know that I don't have to be the most trendy person in school -that would cost so much cash- but I was so late in other basic things. I didn't like music till I was 11 when mom bought me that portable CD player. I still have that old thing in my room; It's just in one of my drawers. I have to admit though, I enjoyed listening to music through that and I am actually still using that till now. That CD player is just so durable it was able to last five years of use; But now I plan to replace it with this new device that's gonna be released later this year. It's called the Personal Jukebox, it can store digital songs in it that you can download through a world system called the Internet. That way I can easily get lots of songs insted of bringing lots of CD's with me everywhere.

Uh I think I'm gonna end my story there.

~End of Log

August 5, 1999 (6:00 PM)

I'm getting hungry; But I'm saving my stomach for dinner at Jed's house. Alice's mother is still observing her daughter while Mr. Campbell, Alice's dad, went down to the store to get some food for Mrs. Camp (short for Campbell). Alice meanwhile is still unconscious from the tragic event that I still consider as my fault.

It's almost dinner time so I gotta get to Jed's. Hope Alice will be alrig-

August 5, 1999 (10:00 PM)

That was a terrible day. Damn Alice! Why does she have to do that? She scares me too much. Looks like I have to tell this story.

I was sitting on the white bench, leaning on the vending machine right beside it while writing the last lines of my last entry which were "Hope Alice will be alright" when I heard a high pitch ring. I knew this sound, I heard it in many movies before; It was the sound of someone dying on a hospital bed. I immediately looked up to see if Alice is alright and to my terror she wasn't okay. Her mom hurriedly called the doctor while tears started flowing down her face. She screamed down the hallway desperately calling for the nurse and a doctor.

It was a horrible sight, seeing her like that. She was shaking so hard as if she was choking but she couldn't move her arms. I felt like she was about to leave this world, permanently. 

My conscience and my guilt started to eat me alive. I stared at her through the glass pane and I started saying to myself repeatedly in this whisper like voice "Don't do this. Don't die.". Then doctors and nurses started to bang through the door. In just a few seconds she was surrounded by various medical personnel. After a while the nurse closed the blinds for the viewing room to prevent the family members or anyone snooping around to see what they are doing to their patient.

After a while they say that she's stable but they discovered that the accident damaged one of her major arteries and that it needs an operation. 

Now I can't leave her, not in this situation.

And that's what happened. I wasn't able to get to Jed's because when I got there the lights were already out and I knew I was too late. 

I can't sleep now, not just because of what I saw tonight but also because I wasn't able to support Jed. I really hope that he isn't going. I certainly hope not.

I don't feel like saying goodnight, especially because it wasn't.

~End of Log