The Journals of Wade Dillans: The Four Seasons of August

August 16

This is what happened next. I didn't want the doctor to know what really happened. So, I told him that nothing much happened after that.

That day when I was able to skip those pebbles eight times across the crystal clear waters of my childhood playground. That day when I found my father lifeless with multiple gunshot wounds. That day when the inseparable bond between me and my father was broken. I kept dreaming about it. I kept thinking about it. I keep thinking that it's somehow my fault. Because I left without asking permission? Because I left on my dad's birthday? Or simply because I left the door open? If only I stayed it wouldn't had happened, or I would have just died with him. With that possibility leaving me at peace with life and possibly, death.

I almost did nothing that day, August 16. I sat alone thinking about that day exactly ten years and eleven months ago. If only there was more that I could know. I would lift myself from the loads of the question I created for myself. 

The whole day, I would lie down on my crumby bed and look out the window. Then, realize that there is another world beyond the concrete walls of my house and that I was alone out there. The sad events of the day before come back, fast and depressing. Then, I would suddenly have the feeling that something inside dropped to the ground. I had to find a way out of it. I lay there on my bed, trying to find the good spot in my bed and in my life. I thought of the memory, hard. I had to forget the bad things that happened or I would get swallowed by sadness and depression and I would basically be considered dead. It wasn't easy though, forgetting what you currently know, it actually broke me.

It was dinner time. Mom was at the other side of the table, where dad would normally be. She thinks that by sitting to the right of me on the four-person table, we would look incomplete. So, she transferred to the other side of the table, just to make it look balanced. We had turkey that night which was delicious but not as delicious as it used to be. As, sadness has overcome my mouth, just as much as my brain and body.

After eating she transferred to her old seat. She talked first. "Wade, do you love me?" she asked in a serious manner.

"Of course, I love you. you're my mother. You and dad are the only people that I have." I answered. "Good. And, I love you too. Remember that, Wade."

Okay. "I have to tell you something... It's about your dad...both of them."

Okay. I faced to her. "Your dad, Thomas. He's in jail" She pauses "He killed someone."

Okay. I was shocked but I maintained a straight face, looking out the window. She started to cry "Wade?"

"Yes" I answered. "He killed someone on September sixteen nineteen-eighty-five... The night your real father was killed."

I looked at her blankly. I was scared of what she'll say next. "Wade, Thomas killed dad."

I stared at the table blankly. Then, I said "It's already done. There's nothing we can do about it. He's already dead anyway.". Her voice cracked as she said "Another thing."

Okay. "I loved your father very much and I loved you very very much."

I stared at her and she continued "I... I... Cheated on your father... with Thomas" More of her tears dropped on the table. Her face was red and her eyes were red because of crying. I was enraged and I couldn't hold it in much longer. "I really" She continued "Regret..."

"Regret what?!"I stood up and I cut her off "Going with another man?! Trying to replace dad?! Trying to replace your family?!" I was really angry by then. "NO!" she answered while she stood up "I'm really sorry! I wasn't thinking"

I toned down my voice but still enraged "Oh God. My mom is whore."  She was really sobbing while she said "I love you!".

I Yelled "My mother is a Goddamn whore!" She was of course, insulted and hurt. In a split second, her hand landed on my face and loud slap was heard. I looked at her and I just left.

I took my green bike which was almost never used and pedaled as far away from home as possible as fast as possible. It wasn't raining anymore but my face was still wet because of my own tears.

I let the evening wind blow on my face as I passed by the locations of my memories. I passed by Jed's house. The cat-shaped chair still there on their front porch. I haven't sat on that since Jed and I last went to school together. 

I passed school where many of my high-points and low points happened. It was dark as if abandoned. I remembered what  happened yesterday, the horrible whispers, the rumors. It was all going back to me and I wanted it off of me. I want it, forgotten.

I fell from my bike on the outskirts of Kitch park. I was lying on my back on the cold sidewalk. I squeezed my head. I wanted it to go away. I wanted it to be gone permanently.

I got on my bike again and continued to pedaled as fast as I can, not even looking at crossings. I was at risk of dying and I knew it. I thought about that, dying. If I died I would forget and my cruel game of life ends. It was over and I was going to be at peace. I decided to die that day, August 16. And, I knew how I wanted to pass away. I continued to pedaled down the streets of Talisbury.

I passed the ice cream house, where Jed, Alice and I enjoyed our afternoons. Alice, the friend I severely took for granted probably will be happier without me.

I passed by the hospital, where I met Dianna, a friend that I thought was my Friend but was actually not. I was hurt by her but I had to forgive her.

I finally reached my destination, the church with it's bell tower soaring above the small buildings. I went inside and sneaked into the bell tower. 

When I was at the topmost floor I could see the town. I could see the bench I slept on for a whole night, where I found Michelle.

In front of me was a drop four stories high, probably enough to kill me. I saw the whole town. I thought about what would happen if I left it, what would happen if I would leave this world. Nothing.

I waited for hours until it was August seventeen nineteen-ninety-nine when the night was at it's darkest. I looked up into the heavens and made myself believe "Death is the point in life where I become priceless." I took one last good look at my world and I said my goodbyes to this lonely planet as I was going to become one with the stars.

I took a step forward. I wanted to count how long I fall before I die. This would be my last thought. I closed my eyes. Jump.

"1". I thought of me up there, with the stars that glow bright against the dark sky. I knew that I would soon be one of them and when an astronomer finds me I would be called with a number, not Wade.

"2". I thought about my family and about everyone else. What would my mom be after I die? What would everyone think? Would I be missed? Would I meet Toby and Dad? I don't know.

"3". I died because I wanted to be at peace.

~END OF PART III - WINTER