The Renaissance Of A Romance [chaennie x jenlisa]

xix. death of a soul

xix. death of a soul

[ liszt - consolations, s. 172: No. 3, Lento placido ]

ROSEANNE.

"What happened to dinner at 8?" pain was mortifying on Chanyeol's eyes that I could barely even look straight at him. My throat stiffened which disabled me to speak, I could only crumble in guilt. We were inside his car in the middle of the gruesome winter solstice as he dragged me out of the cabin to take me home. Yet I didn't want him to, not if we're in a state like this. The tension fuming the area was unbearable, I can see Chanyeol's veins gripping tight on the steering wheel as he made no eye contact but I can still sense the resonating pain that I have caused him. "I'm sorry. I didn't make it." I ghastly spoke as there was nothing but apology that my mouth could utter.

"You love her?" Then a dangerous silence hang as he asked. "My love for you still hasn't change, Chanyeol." My ardent tone reflected my heart. 

"I know. But now you have found a love greater than mine. So much greater that you have to break me just to have a taste of it." His callous voice made me bitter. Yet I don't see his statement as the whole truth, for I will never know the real intentions of my heart, but then again, perhaps he was right, which made me heave in tears. Knowing I shouldn't be with someone else but Jen happened, and I can't stop myself. "I'm sorry. I don't want to lie to you anymore." I apologized. He began to cry. I could only tear up too as i had a hard time catching air. My tears were the only words spoken for a long moment. No one said anything. The swirl of agony has just started.

But then after awhile a brink of solitude came in just like when a storm reaches its eye. He then spoke a tone of mourn, "Please look at me, love." My fiance's breath was grievous, his dispirited voice made me hate myself. "I'm barely feeling anything now. I feel like a dying star, I've just lost my core. I've just lost you. Talk to me before I consume my own flames."

Now i can hear his lowly sobs. His pain incinerated my skin, every bone feeling the sting of my immorality. My heart wrenched as I finally looked at him. What have I done to this man? I thought as the uncontrollable tears started watering. "It's my fault." I cried as I reached for his body and enclosed it with my arms. I embraced him tight amidst the girthy coats we were wearing, I can still feel his heartbeat in swell. "I opened my heart to someone else and I'm sorry I deceived you." My voice cracked in between.

Then my mind dwelled into the memories I had with him throughout the years. I remembered the first time I laid my eyes on him and held his hand, it felt like i was the most beautiful maiden alive, his antic charms sketched colors in me that i didn't know existed. He made me bloom.

Then and there I fell in love with everything about him, the way he breaks into laughter after he finds me funny, the way he brushes me off my feet every time we waltz, the little lunches we had on the meadows of each of their mansions, the hours we spent on reading history books then criticize the past leaders' inhumane acts of governance after, the solemn sunday mornings I spent with him drinking tea and reading the local newspaper, the first time he touched me beyond lips and clothing that somehow marked me as his and him as mine, and all the fencing fights that we had where I always go home the champion because he purposely defeats himself if that means he can remind me of how powerful and great of a woman I am to him. And eventually I did. He made me greater and more ambitious. We were the bravest of souls when together and everyone acknowledged that. Even the universe acknowledged that.

He held me like a diamond, with utmost persistence and care, he served me the love that everyone wished they had. We were so compatible and dynamic. He was my gravity, the center pull of my universe. He made sure that I was in balanced with him and with the world. He was so good at that, that I forgot that I was not doing this alone. Our thoughts, our ideas, the way we govern, and understand each other's minds is way beyond psychological understanding. Yet here I am irrationally loving someone else.