Solace In The Silence ✓✓

chapter 8

When my phone chimed in my pocket, I was happy for the distraction. There was a burning behind my eyes I still needed to get under control.

I read the message that had just come through from Angie: WTF ARE YOU OKAY? I only just got Jake's text. I know it's late, but if you want to call me, I'm still awake!

My vision tunneled, the walls of the elevator seeming to close in on me. "You told Angie," I said, but my voice came out as a whisper.

Jake looked at me, a frown shrouding his face. "Was I not supposed to?"
I hadn't even had the chance to think about whether or not I was going to tell my parents tonight, let alone Angie. "You could've at least asked me," I answered, holding his gaze.
"Maybe I didn't want to tell anyone."

At the sharpness of my tone, he flinched and almost dropped the set of keys he'd pulled out of the front pocket in his jeans. "Shit, I'm sorry. I just thought..." Jake averted his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know what I was thinking. I get that it wasn't my place to tell her, I just didn't know what to do. I don't know how to be here for you."

Most of my frustration seeped out of me, replaced by guilt. "It's all right. You were just trying to help."
He unlocked his door, and I stepped past him, entering his dark and quiet apartment.

Wordlessly, Jake shut the door behind him and flicked on the entrance light. My gaze jumped around the sparsely decorated foyer and lounge room before landing again on him.
The minute I went to speak, he folded his arms across his chest, his biceps stretching the cotton sleeves of his T-shirt.

"Let's hear it," he said, sounding the tiniest bit insecure if I was reading him correctly. "You're looking at me like there's a long list of things you still want to say. What else have I done wrong?"

His eyes were a sad, stormy gray. Cracks were beginning to appear in his mask of indifference, and any anger I'd just felt was immediately snubbed out.

Without warning, something inside me snapped clean in two, like splitting tinder. I couldn't do this anymore-couldn't contain the heartache that was threatening to pour out of me.

"What happened to us, Jake? How did we get here?" I asked, my voice cracking. "I was so scared... scared of Joe , scared of the coldness in his eyes. Scared that the argument we had would be the last time I spoke to you. Scared for my brother, wondering if he felt as frightened as I did

w-when..." A heaviness knotted my insides, and I sniffled. I couldn't even finish that sentence. The way my heart scrunched, it actually hurt. And the worst part was, I knew I'd only glimpsed a fraction of what my brother must have felt when he'd seen those headlights.

"This is my fault," Jake said simply, resignedly. "I invited you to the party. You wouldn't have been there if it weren't for me. Fuck, I don't even know what else to say. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. Seeing you like this is tearing me apart, Bess. "

He reached out his hand to me, but I dodged him, needing to leave three feet of distance between us. Having Jake within close proximity never ended well for me.

I noticed that his fingers were trembling, and another sliver of guilt slid through me. As much as he'd tried to stonewall me during this last year, I knew you could only outrun something for so long. I was trying to escape something, too-my past-and these days, I could feel it catching up to me.

"Please, don't call me that anymore. Don't confuse me," I said, swallowing hard. "And don't try to kiss me again, not unless it's going to mean something... like it would for me."
Holy shit-storm.

I clamped my mouth shut and mentally kicked myself for saying something so mortifying out loud. I may as well have just told him I loved him. And I was beginning to think maybe... maybe I did. Nothing else explained the deep-seated ache that had nestled in my chest.