Solace In The Silence ✓✓

chapter 9

PLANTING MY ELBOW on my desk, I propped my chin on my fist and blew out an exasperated sigh. I'd been trying futilely to study all night and I was fairly certain I'd just re-read the same paragraph for the fifth time.

In the hallway outside my dorm room, I could hear the high-pitched voices of two girls talking to a guy who lived a couple doors down, punctuated by the sounds of their shrill laughter. I was surprised anyone else was even here.

It was a Saturday night, and I'd locked myself away like some sort of recluse, but that was mainly because I didn't have anywhere better to be. Besides, college was already kicking my butt, even after I'd taken one of my professor's advice to map out a study timetable.

Tapping my pen against my textbook, I willed my brain to concentrate, but it was like the words were blurring together. My mind was elsewhere, stuck on why I still hadn't heard from Jake.
            It had been almost a week since the night I'd stayed over, and there'd been nothing but radio silence.
I'd texted him once, asking if Lynn, and he were interested in getting together to go through some of the academic journals, but he'd never responded. And when he was a no-show to our Concepts in Design class yesterday, I'd felt a prickle of worry. I'd automatically assumed the worst—he was dropping the class, and for some unknown reason, never wanted to speak to me again. Clearly, jumping to conclusions was my specialty.

It wasn't until Lynn had come over to my workbench and fixed her concerned gaze on me that I'd realized maybe I was being a little irrational.

I'd been stooped over, packing my laptop back into its carry case, when she'd asked me if I'd heard from Jake at all. He'd missed their plans to meet up at the cafeteria for lunch.

My natural reaction was to spend most of the day agonizing over it—his absence. Not because it was unusual for Jake to keep his distance and ignore me, but because it was obvious he didn't do that to Lynn. I doubted that he'd ever shut her out. Something I was also kind of jealous about.

Sure enough, when I'd messaged her on Facebook last night, asking if she'd managed to track him down, she'd told me that she had. He'd called her off the landline at his parents' house.
Jake had gone back to our hometown, Hall Hill. There'd been a family emergency or something, which was odd. I was sure if things weren't okay, Angie would have mentioned otherwise. That was the only perk when it came to Jake being her brother: stalking all his social media wasn't necessary when she could dish the dirt. Aside from that, it fucking sucked.

I hated being bitter and twisted, but while Jake was busy making plans with Lynn and replying to her, he was clearly avoiding me. God only knows why. I actually thought I'd handled the whole 'I can't be what you want' speech with impressive maturity. Some girls might have tried to manipulate him with the lure of their body. Or worse yet, they might have had the childlike naïvety to think they could change him one day.

But there was no dust in my eyes when it came to Jake Watford. Because of that, I knew not to push him. The future of our friendship was on shaky ground enough as it was.
It wasn't easy to just be friends with someone you couldn't help but want more with, especially considering we'd already laid it all out there on the line. I wanted to be with him. He didn't want to be with me. End of story.

Yes, he'd admitted he was attracted to me, but whatever he felt didn't run deeper than that. His feelings couldn't... otherwise they would have been enough to overshadow whatever objections he had to being in a relationship, right?

It didn't matter how many times I told myself that I needed to forget about Jake, that I was better off without him. As much as I wanted to move on, it wasn't that simple. It just... wasn't. Love was such a strong emotion, never easy to overcome.

Lost in my surging thoughts, I jumped a little when my phone began buzzing on my desk. Angie's name flashed on the caller ID, and my lips twitched at the image saved to her contact. It was a photo of her and I pulling goofy faces at a beach bonfire down at Port Worth last summer.

I slid my finger across the screen, accepting her call. "What's up?" I said, opting for casualness.
After I'd found out that Jake was back home, I'd figured, one way or another, Angie would know why. I just hadn't mustered up the nerve to ask her yet. I tended not to bring up her brother. The last thing I wanted was for him to start coming in between our friendship.

"Just thought I'd check in. What about you, have you just been for a run or something?" she asked, her question coming out of left field.
"No," I replied, confusion pouring in. "Why would you think that?"
"You sound way breathless, like maybe you were hoping a certain someone was borrowing my phone," Angie teased.

Grateful she couldn't see the blush that crawled across my cheeks, I dropped my head into my hand. "You're hilarious." I barked out a humorless laugh. "So, was there a point to this conversation?"
"Ooh, feisty."
I was going for blandly neutral when I said, "More like I'm just over it."
"Why?" Angie attempted to speak calmly, but I could sense her unease. I was always mindful that this was an awkward situation for her—being caught in the middle and having to discuss Jake in a context that surely wigged her out.

"What's happened?"
I wanted to lie to her, assure her it was nothing. Not because I didn't want her to know, but because I knew how complicated this whole situation was. Instead, I found myself telling her the truth. It was going to drive me crazy if I didn't get it off my chest. "He hasn't spoken to me all week. Not once since that night. He hasn't responded to my text, and he didn't show up to class. I'm totally at a loss here. Do you know why he's home?"

My hand tightened around my cell, anticipation coiling in my stomach while I waited for her to reply.
"Your guess is as good as mine," she spoke low, just above a whisper, and the sound of her window creaking open caused nostalgia to unfurl inside me. Growing up, whenever we'd needed to have a D&M conversation, Angie had always climbed out onto her rooftop.

The walls of her house were paper-thin, and I appreciated her still taking precautions. "When I asked him, he said something about him needing some time out. Who knows what that even means. Classes have only just started, like maybe if it was mid-year, you know? Also, I wasn't kidding before, Jake borrowing my phone and ringing you is a possibility. His phone's broken."

"His phone's broken," I parroted dumbly. "Right. Makes perfect sense."
"Come on, Bess, you didn't really think he would just ignore you?"
"Are you seriously asking me that?" I muttered. "Remember when he didn't talk to me for a whole year?"
"That was different. Plus, you didn't exactly try to fix that, either," she said quickly.

Her instinct to defend Jake was both admirable and infuriating. "You know my brother wouldn't recognize a good thing, even if it punched him in the face. He's always been slow on the uptake."

"Well, there goes that plan," I joked. "Although, punching him in the face would really help me work through some of my anger right now."

Angie laughed, and then there was a pause. I heard Jake's deep voice in the background. My heart flipped over. Uh-oh. If that wasn't my cue to get off the phone, I don't know what was.
Then there was nothing but silence, and I suspected that Angie had put me on mute. Okay, weird.

When she finally came back on, she sounded uncharacteristically wary. "Hey, um, look," she said slowly, and anxiety pummeled me. "Jake wants to talk to you. Is that okay?"

Whoa. I had not been expecting that.
My stomach tumbled over itself.
"Sure," I croaked out, unable to mask my surprise.

Silence ensued, and my knee started to bounce impatiently. Tying myself into knots was stupid, I know, but I couldn't help it.
A moment later, Jake's voice rumbled down the line. "Bess, hey," he said. Damn it. Even hearing him say my name made my heart speed up. "I'm sorry for not telling you I was leaving, my phone's busted."

I stayed quiet, waiting to see what he'd say next.

"I've had to come back home. Something came up," he went on, his voice dropping by at least an octave.

"I should be back by Monday morning for our class, but if I'm not, can you cover for me?"