Solace In The Silence ✓✓

chapter 37

"I shouldn't have broken up with you," he said, and I was drowned in sadness. Not because he regretted it, but because I'd been right that day in the parking lot. I'd been right all along. He'd finally figured out that he'd made a mistake letting me go, but instead of feeling satisfaction, all I felt was sorrow. "You need to know that, Bess. Just like you need to know that I didn't end things between us for the reasons you think."
I inhaled sharply, my lungs expanding, and a twinge of pain stabbed me just below my ribs. Jake's eyes held nothing but pure adoration, and my heart lodged in my throat. He leaned in closer to me, his fingers grazing my cheek.

"I know better than anyone how close I came to losing you today, and I don't know if I can survive losing you again," he admitted, his voice gruff with what sounded like fear. "I know it's a dick move for me to be saying all of this now, but maybe when you're up to it, we can talk more about..." he trailed off, unsure.
The disbelief I felt must have been reflected on my face, because Jake didn't keep talking. As I held his gaze, I saw in a clear and unguarded moment that passed between us, what he wanted. Acute awareness surged through me, and I should've been overjoyed, but I still felt so numb, so distrusting. So adrift.
"I don't know," I told him eventually. "I—I don't know if I can do that, Jake."

My heart ached. As much as I wanted to be with him, I didn't know if we were right anymore—if there was even a right way for us to be together again. I'd never been courageous enough to love myself more than I loved him. I'd never been confident enough to put my trust in my own judgment. But everything had changed now. Almost dying was probably the biggest wake-up call I could've ever gotten. And I wasn't sure if I was prepared to keep offering him second chances and forgiveness. Did that make me weak? No, not necessarily. I'd like to think it made me stronger.

His jaw clenched tight, and I knew it wasn't the answer he was expecting. He sat back, looking away for a moment, disappointed and... defeated. "Okay, yeah. I understand."
Instead of feeling relief, a jolt of panic spiraled through me. I could feel myself starting to backpedal, but between the pain meds and everything I'd been through tonight, it wasn't exactly an easy feat to sort through the onslaught of emotions that flooded me. "Thank you. I'm not saying no, but for now, for a while, I think I just need to—"
The blue hospital curtains parted, and Officer Lampard emerged, the lines softening around her mouth when she saw me. "Sorry to interrupt," she said, taking a couple of tentative steps toward us. "I've been trying to hold off for as long as I can, but I'm afraid we're going to need to ask you a couple of questions and take a formal statement now."
I tried to suppress the dread that followed. "Okay," I responded. I was reluctant to talk about it and re-experience the painful memories, but it wasn't like I had a choice. This was routine procedure.

Her attention flitted to Jake. "Have you told her everything?" she asked him, her demeanor professional and brusque, as always.
"No, not everything," he said with force. What? There was more ? "She just woke up. I didn't want to overwhelm her."
"Good. That's good." She nodded curtly, sounding vaguely pleased. "Would you mind stepping outside for a minute now, Mr Watford? I think we've got it from here."

"All right, then." Reluctantly, Jake climbed to his feet. He shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, and his face went blank. But his eyes, they contained an entirely different story. Even from a distance, I could make out the doubt and determination that was warring in them. He really didn't want to leave. "I'll be in the cafeteria, wherever the hell that's located." Jake slid Officer Lampard a look, and a tense energy pulsed between them. "Fifteen minutes, okay? Then I'm coming back, and you're both gone."

I was getting more worried by the second. Why was Jake talking to her like that? More specifically, why did it seem like they'd already come to some sort of understanding?
"Thank you," she said, lowering her clipboard. "My colleague and I won't be long."
Jake turned to me. "See you in a bit." He smiled, but the sadness still lingered in his eyes. "Your parents aren't far away, either."
I nodded jerkily, desperately wanting to tell him to stay but somehow resisting.
To my surprise, he placed his palm on the bed beside my shoulder, stabilizing his weight, and then he bent to kiss my forehead. His lips were warm and soft, like a whisper.
I shivered when he exhaled slowly, the heat of his breath fanning my neck, and I silently appreciated the calming effect he always had on me. Like the moon controlled the tide, the gravitational pull to be close to Jake was next to impossible to withstand, and I lifted my arms, sliding them around his waist. The smell of him, like wintry air and light cologne, made me dizzy.