Solace In The Silence ✓✓

chapter 30

Jake's words hung uneasily between us, and his tone, his words, his presence, everything about him, seemed tormented, almost like he had no will against what he was doing.
Even though I knew what he meant, what he was saying, I didn't understand his thought process. And I didn't want to make this easy for him.

"Why?" I blinked, my mind spinning. "Why can't you be with me?"
"I just can't do this," he repeated, his voice softer. " This is too much—you and me. I thought maybe I was ready for something serious, but I'm not."
Something ugly stirred inside me.

So, despite all the times he'd assured me that he wanted to be with me, now he thought he wasn't ready? What the fuck had changed since last night?
The only thing that was clear to me now was that I was drowning, being pulled under as a storm blew around me, thrashing the waters and wiping out everything I'd held true.

"I don't get it." My fists clenched and unclenched as I stood there, willing myself to focus on what he was saying. "You told me you were ready for the right person, that I was the right person," I said, further lamenting the fact that he'd either lied to me or that he'd had a change of heart—two possibilities I refused to accept. "What's really going on? You can talk to me. We can work this out."

A breeze blew up and knotted through my hair, momentarily distorting my view of him, but I didn't miss the way he grimaced. Aside from that, Jake was completely devoid of expression.
Jamming the heels of his palms against his eyes, he uttered, "That's just it. I... I don't want to work this out, Bess. I can't go through... I just can't do this anymore."
And the kicks just kept on coming.
Frustration and fury flooded my system, and I clung to those emotions, latched onto them like they were a life raft.

"You really are a fucking coward." I drew in a harsh breath, the air burning the back of my throat. "I may have finally said it out loud after all these years, but I think you already knew how I felt about you. I think you've
always known," I went on, accusingly.
The lack of surprise on his face was confirmation.
Shaking my head, I laughed bitterly.
I couldn't even justify why I was sticking around to continue this conversation, knowing anything he said now would only twist the razor-edged blade deeper into my heart, but my feet were rooted to the ground. I couldn't move. Hot tears stung my eyes, and I swallowed hard.

"That's what I thought. So, what's really the problem then, Jake? The fact that I'm in love with you? Or the fact that you didn't, and obviously can't, say it back to me?" I whispered brokenly. A stray, traitorous tear rolled down my cheek, and I roughly wiped it away. "The minute shit gets real, you run at the first sign of trouble. Hell, you run even when things are good ."

It was his defense mechanism, and even though I knew how easy it was to run away from what you were feeling, the echo of Jake leaving this morning—all the times he'd emotionally left me when he should have stayed—was too loud.
He averted his steely gaze. "I never wanted to hurt you. Believe me, that's the last thing I ever wanted to do," he said woodenly, the generic remark grating on my ears.

I wrapped my arms around my waist, as if I could somehow shield myself from him, from the pain in the center of my chest that was threatening to break me in half.
"Just to make sure I understand this," I croaked. "You told me you wanted to be with me, we finally got together, we were happy , and now, for no apparent reason, other than your inability to commit, you just can't be with me anymore?"

There was another stretch of silence, and he nodded slowly. "I'm so goddamn sorry." He glanced down at me, visibly swallowing.
He hadn't corrected me, and any hope I'd been holding out eluded me now.
And then, to add insult to injury, he rushed on, "Listen, I want you to know that I'll still be here for you, okay? Especially while you have so much shit to deal with. And I mean, maybe one day we can eventually get back to being—"
"—back to being what? Friends?" I choked out that last part, disbelief racing down my spine. This was not happening. "Wow. Okay. You went there."