Swell (Complete)

Chapter Eleven(Part Two)

"You're just a waste of time.
And now I can see, all you wanted was just a chance
to be in the spot light."

....

Adora lay in bed that night trying to empty her mind under the fairy lights on her canopy. The ache of her father's absence was stronger than she had thought it would be and the thought of going to Dodge's dinner and pretending to be distracted and happy was like a stab in her chest.
They had skipped the tradition last year due to it being the first year anniversary.
She had spent the few days surrounding the anniversary fighting with herself, her guilt and hatred.
She remembered the return of her hatred for her older cousin, the blame she had wished she could lay on him. Instead she had tried to avoid him, just like the year it happened, but Dodge had made sure to see her, both years to apologise. The hatred had turned to guilt as she watched her cousin confess to wishing it had been him instead of her father that had died on his birthday. They had grieved together then.
She found one of the lights and focussed on it. Her father would have hit Dodge for that wish, if Josh Dodgers was still alive he would be holding her and telling her that it was his choice to save Dodge, and that he was glad he had done it. She would be crying against his shoulder, squeezing her arms around him and begging him to stay, just like she had her older cousin.
She'd had dreams of him sitting with her on the edge of cliffs, holding her as she cried herself to sleep in her bed, the sad dreams had ways of ending with the best parts of their real time together, as if her father was giving her moments of grief and then moments of better memories; like watching his favourite cartoons on weekend mornings.
She sniffed and rolled onto her side. Her bookshelf still had the DVD box sets he'd left behind of those cartoons.
She got up and by the light of her copper wire dressed canopy she put one of them into her small TV and pushed play.
A tight laugh escaped her throat when she realised she was watching a series about twins, when she now had twins in her life.
The sound of the introduction music was a strange comfort.
She sat on her bed and stared at the old credits.

'The truth of love will always guide us, the strength above will be inside us.'

A smile crossed her lips and she nodded. She wouldn't forget the love she had felt with her father, she would always have it inside. The memories would help her focus on reasons why he wouldn't let anyone die if he could help it.
Like the characters in his cartoons, He-Man and She-Ra, her father had been a selfless man, a hero. He would have wanted to die no other way, and as she sniffed and laid down under her covers, she knew his last thoughts would have been that Dodge was alive because of him.
Dodge had sent her a message earlier, another apology, another outreach. She remembered her cousin's speech at the funeral, how he said he wouldn't disappoint his uncle in life.
She could taste the tears in the back of her throat as she thought of her Dad watching them all, he would be proud of Dodge for making it to a principal position, he would have been with her every minute of her lonely grief over the last two years.
She knew her Dad would have cried every tear with her, bled and starved when she had. She knew he would have silently been pleading with her to not do most of the things her grief had made her do. Some had been accidental, but the scars that were now white marks on her arms had been done with absolute purpose. A shaky breath and a squeeze of her eyes before she forced her body to relax.
She could handle the party tomorrow, Brett and Iain would be there, Rae and Kurt would be there, and even the Taylors would be there.
She wouldn't be in trouble if she needed to leave early, and if she tried to stay longer, she would have plenty of support around her.
It would be fine.

The day after Adora woke with a weighted stomach. She kept trying to push it to the back of her mind as she rode to Kurt's house for rehearsal, she tried to ignore it as she projected her voice into the microphone.
She knew she was managing to hide her discomfort from Rae and Kurt, their boundless energies always melted into the music they played, but she could feel the occasional glance from the other guitarists; Brett and Will checking on her.
Adora consistently made sure to keep her mind on the rehearsal, for most of the hours in Kurt's garage she was successful. Today wasn't about her grief, or the loss of a town hero, it was about the celebration of another town hero's life.
Just that thought, that reminder was enough to make her smile.
Tonight would be beautiful, she would be fine this year.