The Difference Between Getting and Needing

s i x t e e n

i know that i'm never, ever gonna change
and you know you don't want it
any other w a y . . .

〰️〰️〰️

There had to have been something seriously wrong for me not to look forward to the weekend. It was the only true free time I had, so for me to dread it meant I wasn't myself.

I hadn't been myself since Wednesday night; since Gus told me he was going to miss my work party, which led to our blowout over my feelings towards marriage. We hardly spoke for the remainder of the week and if we did, it was like we were each other's worst enemies. Frigid and falling into a screaming match about any minuscule thing that irritated us, whether it was something the dog did or a basic forgotten task by one of us. We were the worst neighbors to have in an apartment complex, but we couldn't stop.

We weren't us. We weren't good.

The last thing I wanted to do was go to this Christmas party. I was in no mood to drink, to be around people, or to act like I was happy. If it didn't consist of me curled up on the couch with my dog, wearing a baggy t-shirt, binge-watching Netflix shows and eating Doritos, I wanted no part of it.

Therefore, it took me too long to get back into the mindset of pretending everything was okay so I could go muster up the strength to go to the party. Slapping on a smile and mocking happiness was something I'd become so good at over the years that it should've been second nature to me.

I was in too deep at this point.

Most of Saturday was exactly as I described before, with fake nacho cheese dust everywhere and a dent in the couch from where I'd been sitting for hours. It was five o'clock before I knew it and I was freaking the fuck out.

I was racing around my apartment, doing my best to get ready as fast as humanly possible. Ziggy was lounging on my bed without a single care in the world about what I was doing. Gus had been in New York for the last thirty-six hours and I hadn't spoken to him since the morning. It was the only conversation we'd had this week that didn't erupt into some sort of draining dispute.

We had a very brief phone call when I woke up, which was because he had called me. He was about to leave his hotel room for the day, then he wouldn't have too much free time between the conference and meeting after meeting. He was nervous for a dinner with the CEO of the company he worked for, but I told him he'd be fine because he would be. Gus was always fine.

On the other hand, I was unenthused at the thought of this party and no one could pay me enough money to leave my apartment. He told me I'd be fine too. I didn't believe it.

By the time it was fifteen minutes to seven o'clock – the deadline for when I had to leave so I'd get to the party on time – I was practically ready. My hair was curled, my makeup was done, so all I had to do was change my clothes.

Just as I was about to step into my dress, my phone rang.

Collin's name and a hideous screenshot of his face from Snapchat popped up on the screen. I swiped to answer and balanced the phone between my shoulder and my ear.

"What's up?" I asked, carefully sliding the dress up my torso.

"Are you gonna kill me if I change my mind about coming to this shindig with you?"

"Yes."

He groaned.

Collin was the only other person I could think of to bring as my plus-one to the Christmas party. Besides Gus, there wasn't anyone else I'd want to bring with me. He wasn't thrilled about it, but I sold him on the fact that it'd be a night of free drinks and food because he absolutely hated dressing up.