The Difference Between Getting and Needing

f o r t y - f i v e

i'll build a house out of the mess
and all the broken pieces,
i'll make up for all of your t e a r s . . .

〰️〰️〰️

"So what are you doing guys doing tonight for the big anniversary?" Collin's lively voice caroled through the earpiece of my phone.

"Well, so far all we did today was hang around here, go grocery shopping, and get more allergy meds for Gus because he ran out," I recapped with a sigh. "Super romantic, I know."

"Wow," he breathed, feigning astonishment. "If that doesn't say domestication, I don't know what does".

I laughed at the truth behind that statement. "This is what marriage did to me. I'm boring now."

"Let's be real. You and Gus could never be boring."

The mattress of my bed creaked underneath me as I rolled onto my side, facing Ziggy who had each of his spotted limbs stretched in different directions. He cracked open a brown eye at me and when I started softly toying with one of his ears, he drifted back to sleep again.

Seven years. Gus and I had been together for seven years as of today.

For the last seven years, April 26th had been a special date for me. A memorable day that seemed like it happened in a past life. A time when so much of the world was still unknown, so many feelings were still foreign, and I had no idea how much my answer to a simple question could impact my future.

This year, for a myriad of reasons that included another ring on my finger and a whole lot of change, it felt different.

"Am I stupid for feeling like it's really not that big of a deal?" Dismayed by my question, Collin's silence was the only answer I needed, and I felt the need to elaborate. "I mean, we're married now. That feels like the big milestone, you know?"

He spluttered, clearly insulted that I could even think that way. "What are you talking about? It's gonna be seven years, Bayla. That's huge. Just think, seven years ago we were little babies at prom. I was... fucking wasted, and Gus asked you to be his girlfriend. Today should be a national holiday."

"You're dramatic," I chuckled with a shake of my head. "It's Sunday, and we both have work tomorrow. Gus is out right now but he wouldn't tell me anything. I don't know what he could be doing since we promised no presents this year, but I guess I'll find out when he gets home. I'm pretty sure we're just going out to dinner though, nothing crazy."

I'd be damned if I wasn't curious about it, either. Ever since my day spent with Sutton when I came home to a super suspicious Gus, I hadn't been able to rest. For the last two weeks, I was doing my own detective work around the apartment to find out what he was keeping from me in his bag.

Needless to say, my investigation was a flop. I didn't have my sister's ambition, nor did I have Gus' snooping skills. I looked everywhere – the drawer under the bathroom sink, the kitchen cabinets, the closet where our washer and dryer were, and even all the compartments in his car. Anytime he was in the shower, I'd take a quick peek in his work backpack and there'd be nothing out of the ordinary. Just dumb documents and financial reports I "legally wasn't allowed to look at".

Maybe I was barking up the wrong tree, or maybe Gus actually was hiding something from me and I was too stupid to figure it out. I didn't know what to believe, and Collin provided zero commiseration.