The Difference Between Getting and Needing

f o r t y - o n e

i am yours and you are mine
i have your heart,
i don't even need a  r i n g . . .

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There was something to be said for people that thought before they spoke, and it had become evident that I was not one of them.

The conclusion came to me as I stared at my sorry reflection in the toilet water of the bathroom stall I had been holed up in since I deserted my family at the table after self-imploding in front of them. Nothing was left in my stomach for me to purge and although I could've blamed it on some speedy food poisoning, I knew that wasn't the reason.

I couldn't have spent longer than fifteen minutes in there, maybe twenty at most, but it felt like a couple of hours. Listening to heels clacking on the floor, sinks running, girlish giggling, and a torturous replay in my head of where it all went wrong tonight. The bathroom attendants must have thought the worst about me.

When a fist started knocking on the private stall, I jumped out of my skin thinking it was my sister coming back to pulverize me as if she hadn't already wreaked enough havoc. My grandmother's soothing voice said otherwise.

It was all a blur from then. Unlocking the door so she could come in the stall and pick me up off the floor. Her repeating "come on, it's okay, let's get you home". Our arms wrapped around each other while we walked out of the venue. My family waiting in the parking lot. Saying goodbye to everyone except for Sutton. A long, long hug from Koa who must have told me a dozen times that nothing was my fault and we would talk soon. One emotionally-charged, mind-numbing, wordless car ride.

My grandparents were on their way back to New Jersey, Sutton and Koa were going home to Maryland, and the rest of us reluctantly marched through the front door of my parent's house like prisoners being summoned to the gallows. One look from my mom and we knew exactly what it meant.

We all headed straight for the sunken living room where my other set of grandparents were camped out on the couch with Madelyn fast asleep between the two of them, her jet black curls sticking out in every direction. Ziggy was comfortably sprawled on his side at their feet, but as soon as he heard us walk in the house he was upright and frolicking over to me.

They must have sensed the stench of sweet mortification that contaminated the air because my grandmother looked up from her crossword with a raised brow and my granddad actually took his eyes off of the TV to study us.

"How was it? We didn't expect you to be home so soon," my grandmother said. She glanced at her watch, which made me look up at the heirloom pendulum clock on the farthest wall that said it wasn't even ten PM.

"Fine," my mom spoke for all of us in a clipped tone. That was one way to sum up our night. "There are a few things I need to discuss with my kids, so could you put Madelyn to bed in Sutton's old room? Duncan, you're more than welcome to stay in your room for the night if you want."

My eldest brother knew better than to decline our mother's offer which was more of an ordinance, so he gravely nodded his head at her. Madelyn didn't even stir as my granddad scooped her up in his arms and carried her across the room, stopping by Duncan for a moment so he could kiss the top of his daughter's head. While they tucked my niece into bed, my brothers, Gus, and I took our places on the vacant couch and Ziggy nestled himself on top of my feet.

None of us said a word. The boys loosened their ties. I let myself slump into Gus' side when I felt his arm slither around my waist from behind. My mom leisurely paced the room with her arms crossed. My dad decked out in his uniform should have been the representation of a proud man, and surely by now, he felt the complete opposite.