The Difference Between Getting and Needing

t h i r t y - n i n e

did you miss me while you were
looking for yourself out t h e r e . . .

〰️〰️〰️

One of the last places I ever expected to find myself was in a therapist's office.

Well, not actually in his office. Yet, at least. I had been assigned to sit in the waiting room and for the entire half-hour that had gone by so far, my knees hadn't stopped bouncing once.

The girls at the front desk couldn't have been friendlier, but I felt about as skittish as an unbroken horse trying to be corralled into a stable. I was fucking freezing, despite the thermostat on the wall across from me registering at 70 degrees. I didn't feel out of place, I just felt weird, to put it simply.

All nerves aside, I did want to be here – for me, for Gus, for us. This wasn't a one-way street anymore. We were in this together, to better ourselves separately and as a couple. After a month of being married, I knew it was time to grow up and face the facts. I promised him and myself that we were going to do this and there wasn't a part of me that wanted to take it back.

That didn't mean it still didn't scare the shit out of me.

It was my first time coming with Gus to one of his sessions. My first time in the building and if he wanted, my first time meeting his therapist, too. I left it completely up to him because by now, he had been going for almost three months. Whether he wanted me in the room with him or not today, tomorrow, or next month, I wouldn't hold it against him in any way.

I knew eventually I'd have to be in there at some point. When Gus came slinking down the hallway thirty minutes in, I knew today was that day.

Out of respect for the sign hanging directly above my head that kindly asked "please, no cell phone use in the vicinity", I had mine on silent in my purse and opted to read the stack of magazines on the table next to me. I was coincidentally lost in an article about a failing long-distance marriage when I noticed Gus standing in front of me.

My gaze dragged itself away from the tiny words of the page on my lap to see his fingers drumming anxiously against his thighs. I tilted my head up and his eyes were cast downward, avoiding me.

"Hey, is everything okay?" I murmured, afraid my voice would disturb the calm ambiance of the waiting room.

"Oh yeah, I'm halfway through my session," he assured me with a nod. I watched as he rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes still bouncing around so they wouldn't meet mine. "But uh... Wayne actually brought this up since I told him you came with me today. I was wondering if you wanted to join in on it."

And because deep down I knew that was the reason he came out to me just now, I smiled and said, "Okay."

"Listen, you don't have to if you don't want to, but I just thought I'd ask. I won't force you."

"Gus, I want to," I interrupted him before he could keep rambling. At my words, he finally looked at me. I closed the magazine in my lap and put it aside, sighing as I added, "I need to do this. We need this."

He blinked, then for a silent response, he offered one of his hands to me.

I swung the strap of my bag over my shoulder, latched onto his hand, and pulled myself up. We stood still, eye-to-eye and chest-to-chest, caught up in a moment in the empty waiting room until Gus whispered, "Thank you."

It was the softest little sound I'd ever heard, but it hit me like a stereo on full blast in my ear. I just leaned forward and pressed my lips to his for my own thank you.