ShivOmRu SS ~ Cross Connections

Chapter 10

 Somz was sitting in the center of the football field. It was dark and deserted here at this late hour, far ahead he could see the white goal post, and there was an identical one right behind. Both had the same function, and at some point of life or the other, he has defended from both the posts - but today, when there was no match, and he was sitting right in the middle of the ground, which one was his post? The one before him, or the one behind him? He looked down and sighed, still clutching his knees to his chest - the soft grass below her were damp from the slight shower of the evening.

Somz was in the cross roads of life, he needed to make a clear choice, both his identities played out before him like the two goal posts - the one in front of him was Somz, the one behind was Soumya - until now he had chosen Somz, but after what happened an hour or so back, he wasn't sure of his choice anymore, he felt like he was literally stuck in the middle of the field and Soumya was the post right behind him - so far Soumya wasn't visible, but now she is - Somz shuddered at the realization. He shut his eyes tight and a lone tear escaped him - it brought him back to the fresh memories of an hour back, when he came here with Rudra.

Flashback begins

He was sitting right here, with Rudra beside him. He was very agitated, Anika's words were eating him inside - on one side was the lucrative offer that if he proved it that he wasn't a girl, all would accept him as Somz, how he wanted things to be, but that would come only at the cost of forcing himself to be intimate with a random man? How could he bring himself to that? How could he oblige anyone? Who would understand? Wait did that mean, somewhere he had persuaded himself to go through that temporary hell? What was rape, he wondered, literally what did it mean? Wasn't it forcing someone to a sexual act without his consent? Wasn't he doing the same to himself? Wasn't he forcing himself to an act of intimacy which his heart didn't give consent to? But the dream of being accepted as who he really was, it was too powerful, it kept nagging him - how was he to go about it, he wondered.

Rudra was sitting quietly next to Somz noticing him. Somz was very disturbed, much more disturbed then he could gauge, he had agreed to come to the football field with hope of some answers, but he wasn't sure how to ask them now. Somz seemed too far - too lost in his own world.

"Somz, what is it mate?" he whispered. It brought Somz back to his present; he looked back in shock to realize Rudra was still beside him. He gave him an agitated look and opened his mouth to explain, but nothing came out - where was he to begin from? Rudra understood the dilemma.

"Buddy, you can count on me. I will understand" he gently encouraged him. He was right, thought Somz, only Rudra could come close to understanding - close to - but that was the best hope he had, after all this guy had always understood him and accepted him as he was - he fought for Somz, to instill Somz's believe in others too - that Somz was a guy! Not a girl!

Somz smiled helplessly, a little teary eyed. Rudra was alarmed, in his fifteen years of friendship with Somz, he never cried, what could have possibly happened? He automatically got close to Somz and hugged him consoling him. "Hey mate, it's okay, I have your back, you know right?" he soothed him gently. Somz only hugged him tighter, holding him tightly in his embrace, Rudra held on, though admittedly he felt a little strange - Somz was feeling different today, he couldn't quite place how. Somz on the other hand was silently holding onto him like he was his strongest pillar, Somz opened his eyes to see her face was near Rudra's neck, the posture felt oddly comforting. He had never hugged Rudra like this before - admittedly it was different from a man-hug. Somz smiled, but Rudra had always been a strong source of comfort for him. He was such kind of a man.

Wait - Rudra is a MAN. How did he not realize this? He always knew, and he was straight, and he understood Somz the most! Surely he would understand! Surely he would help! Hadn't he always helped? Somz knew this was asking too much, but he knew Rudra wouldn't be too mad at him for long, if he didn't ask for it, technically speaking. Asking would probably freak him out, and he would run away for a while - eventually Rudra would have agreed anyway- that Somz was confident, but it would delay the process and Somz wasn't ready to wait.