Light

Chapter 21

Once again I feel like a failure, memories are just here to remind me that once again it didn't work, the hope I have is slowly fading away, the strength I thought I had is way gone.

I don't understand why bad thing happen; if I could go back in time I would.

I regret everything that happened, I'm alone with wasted time, I don't know how it happened but it did, I'm alone living in two world I don't understand, I don't know what's true and what's not. I feel betrayed, I feel like Manu lied to me yet I can't even remember what I did, what can I possibly did wrong for my father to stop loving me? Where does he live anyway?

I need to keep moving, I don't know how much I have left, I need to find my dad's letter, I don't know where to look though.

I'm exhausted, not only physically but emotionally. My brain is going to explode, at least that's how I feel.

I'm living in 2 worlds now; don't know how to shut them down, I don't know how to separate one from the other.

As I walk down the main street I see people and behind each person I see their spirit, black or white, they all look at me now and I look down cause I don't know what else to do.

I keep walking and I feel my legs aching, I've never walked so much in my life. I see a bench in the park and decide to sit down; I'm tired, hungry and a little angry.

I'm looking at my cold hands thinking of all the emotions I'm feeling and suddenly this big light hits my face, I look up to see what is it and the light is coming from this beautiful baby and his spirit, the dad is holding him and the baby has the biggest smile, I can see them as if it was slow motion... suddenly it hits me.

The kid won't remember what it feels like to be loved at that age but still the dad loves him because it's his instinct to do it.

Maybe that happened with me, maybe he did love me. I now have this need to meet the man who once loved me and ask him when did he stop loving me and why. I now need to know how he is like.

How does he look like? Do I have his eyes? His nose? Do I laugh just like him?

I get up from that bench and start walking even faster than before and not hungry at all. I need to find the letter. I need to go to the orphanage; maybe it's there.

I have been walking for 40 minutes now, regretting not taking Manu's jacket but reminding myself I cannot be taking advantage of him.

If I'm not with him then I can't receive his presents.

As I'm thinking, I see a box in the middle of the street; I know it's from him. I get closer to confirm it is. A box filled with food, water, a jacket, shoes and an umbrella.

I can feel the wind blowing on my face and how my cheeks turn red.

I finally give up and drink the water.

I look around and realize he is standing next to a tree; he's looking right back at me and he smiles when I look at him... that soft smile I missed so much.

It reminds me of the day we went for a ride on bikes and I was looking to the beautiful view in front of us and I looked at him to say something about it and he was looking at me with the same smile he has right now, and I said "the view is beautiful" and he said "I know" but he never looked to the front, he said it looking at me.

He starts getting closer to me and I'm on my knees, shaking from the cold, next to the box, looking straight at him.

- I forgot to put this in the box. – He says giving me a piece of paper as I stand up.