Hopes and Fears

eight // loved against all discouragement

The next morning dawned on Anne, unwelcome and painful, like the cold realisation that the love of your life wasn't who you thought he was.

The return to school loomed, and Anne was dreading it. So much had happened... She'd kissed Gilbert in front of everyone, embarrassed Josie Pye, been the subject of a horrible rumour and been split up from Gilbert. By this time Anne was sure everyone in the school had heard the rumour, even her friends and Ms Stacy... Oh what would she think? It would be dreadful. Anne's only comfort was the knowledge that Diana knew and believed the truth.

The previous night had been mostly quiet, save Marilla gently questioning January, Kes and Peggy about their trip to Avonlea and their connection with Anne among other things. They didn't say much, leaving January to fabricate as much back story as she needed to placate Marilla. Like Peggy, Matthew had remained painfully silent. Shy as ever, he observed all yet said nothing. He didn't much trust strangers, but friends of Anne were different... Besides, with Anne home safe again, he didn't have much cause for concern.

Anne had felt uncomfortable tension still resting between herself and Marilla, despite their embrace upon her return and the inevitability of her separation from Gil, it still hurt to think that Marilla believed the rumours. Deep down Anne knew that Marilla did love her... Anne felt it in the small things, like how Marilla had sent Jerry after her and as she watched her like a hawk until she finished her soup, only relaxing once she knew she'd eaten a proper meal. It was maternal love, overly-strict sometimes but always with Anne's best interest at heart, however misguided it may be.

After dinner had finished, the Cuthbert's peculiar and somewhat bedraggled young guests bedded down in the spare rooms, which had previously held an infamous pair of very unsavoury lodgers. Anne had cast aside the dark memory as she helped her friends settle in. Anne remembered the words January had spoken gently to her before they both parted to their own rooms...

"I hope you know that whatever reason Gilbert said those things to you, none of it means you are any less of the girl he fell in love with. He said those things because of something -- something that's affected him, it's not you... It's not your fault. You can't take the blame for his change of heart."

Anne had felt weak all over again at the mere mention of him. The girl he had fallen in love with... The bitter truth had hit Anne that he'd really been in love at one point, only to fall suddenly and abruptly out of it with such revulsion and conviction. How could she not blame herself? One day they were fine, the next he told her he was ashamed to be with her, he never wanted to see her again. It made her feel sick, to think somebody so precious to her, somebody who's opinion meant so much to her was repulsed by even seeing her.

Of course it was her fault.

Anne hadn't slept well, she'd fallen in and out of uneasy dreams tormented by Gilbert's words, haunted by his hazel eyes and gentle hands. She couldn't even cry anymore, she was too exhausted to cry. Anne didn't want to get up, let alone face the rest of her day... She felt that awful ache in her heart and she knew it would never heal. Her heart was torn in half. She'd see him at school. That thought alone made her want to lock herself in her room and hide away forever.

In the end Marilla had to drag poor Anne from bed and make her dress and tie back her long tangled hair. Brisk and unrelenting as ever, the older woman forced her to eat some toast at least, despite Anne's best attempts at excuses. The truth was Anne felt sick at the thought of eating, at the thought of everything.

The Wolfsden gang decided to look for a place to stay for a while and headed for a hostel Marilla told them was fairly near. Marilla invited them back for dinner and to stay again that night, which they graciously accepted if they had still not found lodgings.