One and Only

Chapter Fourteen - Begging

When church was finished, Matt met us out the front. Shaun quietly and briefly explained what happened with me, and then Matt offered to drive me home.

"Oh, that's kind, but it's really just around the corner," I replied.

He nodded, shook my hand, and said goodbye.

Shaun turned to his dad. "I'll walk her home."

We walked side by side, moving at a snail's pace. When Matt drove past we waved, and then Shaun slipped his arm around my waist. I blushed and looked up at him, yet he simply smiled, as always, and didn't say a word,

"I'm kinda glad I came today," I told him, walking close to his side.

"I'm glad you came too," he said. "I missed you."

My heart thumped irregularly. "Did you really?"

"Yes. And you look lovely."

"Oh," my heart pounded the breath out of me. "Thank you."

We walked in silence for a while, and my thoughts turned back to my experience in the church. At the end of the street I couldn't hold it in any longer. "Shaun, I have to tell you: I know you believe in God, but I don't know what I believe anymore. And you're such a great guy, but I have no idea what I'm really feeling. I'm just not sure of anything."

He stared at me, hurt. "But why? Everything is right in front of you."

"I wish it was that simple."

"It is that simple."

"No, Shaun, it isn't! You don't know me at all if you think my life is that simple."

"Ruby, I didn't say your life was simple. I never said that. I just don't know how you can stand here and tell me you don't know what you feel. Don't you feel happy when you're with me?"

"Of course I do, but..."

"But nothing! I've been by your side through rain and shine for two weeks and you want to stand here and tell me you don't care?"

"Well how can I with you speaking over the top of me?"

"So you do care?"

"About what?"

"About me?!"

I gritted my teeth. "I don't know. Why can't you understand that?"

"Because it's so insane!"

"Don't be such a jerk! I just came along to church with you to make you happy and this is the thanks I get?"

Shaun stepped back. "That's why you came? To make me happy?"

I groaned. "I told you I'm an agnostic. Do you really think I went for my own sake?"

"Yes. I did."

"I can't believe you! I thought you were different. Why are you acting like this?"

"Why am I acting like this?"

"Yes!"

"I can't even listen to you anymore, Ruby. You're not making any sense."

"Oh, I'm not making any sense?"

"Yeah!"

I glared at him. "Don't follow me. I'll walk myself home."

I marched across the road, trying to discern my feelings. But they were a flurry of vehement hormones and unexplainable thoughts. Shaun was more complex that I ever thought. He was a zealous Christian with a wild, passionate heart and a deep mind. I realized I didn't know him as well as I thought.

Before I could reach the other side, Shaun was running after me.

"Ruby, I'm sorry! I understand more than you think! Trust me, I didn't mean to hurt you. I know what you were trying to say!"

I whirled. His cheeks were red and his eyes pleaded with me.

"You should have thought of that a little sooner."

I stomped angrily up the driveway. Shaun grabbed my hand, but I yanked it away. "Leave me alone! I can't think straight with you around."

He called my name and stopped. I turned, knowing he wouldn't be running after me. "What?"

"Tell me you don't care."

"Why?"

"Because I need to know how you feel."

I stared at him. A beautiful being, standing in my front yard, begging to know how I felt for him. It was like a movie scene. But it wasn't raining, I wasn't crying, and I wasn't a beautiful actress.

Yet there he was. All that I needed, all that I could ever want, waiting for me to let him know how I really, truly felt.

Waiting for me to love him.

I should have told him then. But in some ways, I was glad I didn't.

I threw my hands up in the air. "I don't know!" And then I turned around and ran inside, slamming the door behind me.