Fearless

Chapter 20- I Know That We Could Work It Out Somehow

April 17th

Taylor

"Taylor, honey, you need to get up," the curtains in my hotel room are pulled back to let the blinding light spill into the room and I groan, "I don't want to." It got to the point where I was barely functioning as a human being, so Paula asked my mum to come out on tour with me again to try and keep me in check. I wasn't particularly happy about it, but she's been really great with Vi and making sure she isn't just stuck seeing me depressed in either my hotel room or dressing room and that I do appreciate.

"We've gotta get to the venue, Teffy, then tomorrow you can go home and wallow in whatever is making you so sad for a week and a half, but for now you've gotta move." I know she's right, so I just sigh and push myself out of bed, looking over and realising that my mom is holding Violet, the baby already dressed for the day. "Come here, sweetpea," I reach out to her and Vi immediately comes into my arms as I kiss her face, "you're a smiley girl this morning, huh bug?" I hold her on my hip as I walk around the room, gathering my stuff to get ready to leave quickly.

"She smiles when her mommy smiles, which is a rare sighting these days," I sigh as I hear my mom's voice behind me, "please, not this morning," she's been hounding me to find out what's going on for more than a week now and I'm so tired of it. "You're going to have to talk to me eventually, Taylor, you can't go on like this forever. It's not good for you or for Violet," she says that as if I don't already know this, but there's nothing I can do. I tried to see Karlie, but she had already left for London and she still won't answer my calls or texts.

"You wanna play, princess?" I ignore her comment and kneel down to put Violet down on her blanket where her toys are spread out, "I'm going to change, I'll be back in a minute." My mom stays with Violet as I slip into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I feel so exhausted and drained, and at this point I've given up on pretending I'm fine. I'm sick of being stuck in the same loop of fear and having to keep my sexuality and the people I love a secret.

---

"Here we go, sweet girl," I put Violet into her car seat as I get ready to leave the hotel room. I'm dressed in sweats with my hair tied up, simply because I didn't have the energy to get properly ready before I really have to for tonight's show. "This is going to be a fun experience," the paparazzi are camped out at the hotel we're staying at, and it's LA so that's not surprising, but I really don't have the energy to deal with it all today. "Just put your sunglasses on, keep your head down, and pretend they're not there, and it'll be all okay."

My mom rests a hand comfortingly on my back as I nod, "I just wanna get this over with and go home," I cover Violet's car seat and then hook it over my arm, Vi is nearly ten months now and her weight combined with the car seat makes it a struggle for me to carry now. "This time tomorrow, you'll be on your way home, don't worry," we leave the hotel room and my mom sticks close to us as we make our way downstairs. I'd rather be anywhere else right now.

"Taylor, have you and Jake broken up?" As we get out of the hotel, my security team surrounds us and paparazzi screams the same questions I've been hiding from for weeks. I open the car door and click Violet's car seat into the base, making sure she's secure before hopping in beside her, my mom getting in on the other side as I pull the door closed on the shouting.

It makes me sad that Violet has been surrounded by this her whole life. She used to scream whenever we were surrounded by paparazzi, they were just so loud and intrusive in her happy little bubble, but now she doesn't make a sound because it's become an all too common occurrence.

"Do you want me to keep her whilst you do sound check?" My mom looks away from texting my dad to look up to me as I play with Violet, trying to keep her content on the ride over to the venue. "No, I think I'm just going to wear her, I don't really want her being away from me," Violet is all I have and since losing Karlie, I have an immense fear of losing my baby girl too.